Not a Stick

[rowyn]

Yesterday, I was commiserating with a friend about his lack of progress on his writing, and he made a comment to the effect of how discouraging it was to listen to authors who seemed to finish writing a book every few months.

It reminded me of a conversation I had with level_head many years ago. I was lamenting something or other -- I don't recall what -- and remarked on how much more accomplished he was than I, and why couldn't I be like that? Level Head replied, in his usual firm but gentle way, "Please don't use me as a stick with which to beat yourself."

That stuck with me: that sense that making those kinds of comparisons is not only unkind to me, but unkind to my friends. They don't want to be a stick any more than I want to be beaten, and why was I doing this anyway? I won't claim that I've never done it since, but it has certainly cut down tremendously on my impulse to do so. I can be happy for my friends who keep a tidy home or write a book every few months or lose weight or do all of the above while raising children and volunteering and just generally have got this whole Life thing under control. I don't need to follow that up with "why can I not Adult like [X] does?" I can sympathize with another's struggle to reach their personal goals, even if their version of "failure" is more impressive than my version of "success". I am not them. They are not me. It's not a competition*. Moreover, it's just as cruel to make people feel guilty over what they've achieved as it is to make myself feel terrible about what I haven't.

* I know there are folks who will try to make it one: the fat-shamers and the "you're not a REAL writer unless you're doing [Y]" and whathaveyou, but those people are not my friends.

Anyway, I shared some of this with my friend, and he said it was useful. So I thought I'd put it on LJ in case anyone else does too.

Also, to Level Head: thank you, dear sir, for that gentle request way-back-when. :)

Comments

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

I think this a lot when people compliment artists by saying stuff like 'Wow, you're so good, it makes me sick.' Why would you ever want to say that to someone? Why would a compliment like them make me happy? I always feel terrible when people say things like that to me. You want to make other people feel happier and stronger and more capable. To know that just by existing you make some people feel the opposite is a terrible burden.

I try to watch my language and my thoughts as much as possible. Negativity serves no one.

[rowyn]

To know that just by existing you make some people feel the opposite is a terrible burden.

Wow, that is a depressing thought. :(

My thoughts prattle on while I'm busy doing other things, but words are a little easier to keep in line. Especially written words.

[harvey-rrit.livejournal.com]

For long ages, cruel and bitter people have taught that it is right and proper that the have-nots hate the haves. I think it's how they reproduce.