Not a Stick

[rowyn]

Yesterday, I was commiserating with a friend about his lack of progress on his writing, and he made a comment to the effect of how discouraging it was to listen to authors who seemed to finish writing a book every few months.

It reminded me of a conversation I had with level_head many years ago. I was lamenting something or other -- I don't recall what -- and remarked on how much more accomplished he was than I, and why couldn't I be like that? Level Head replied, in his usual firm but gentle way, "Please don't use me as a stick with which to beat yourself."

That stuck with me: that sense that making those kinds of comparisons is not only unkind to me, but unkind to my friends. They don't want to be a stick any more than I want to be beaten, and why was I doing this anyway? I won't claim that I've never done it since, but it has certainly cut down tremendously on my impulse to do so. I can be happy for my friends who keep a tidy home or write a book every few months or lose weight or do all of the above while raising children and volunteering and just generally have got this whole Life thing under control. I don't need to follow that up with "why can I not Adult like [X] does?" I can sympathize with another's struggle to reach their personal goals, even if their version of "failure" is more impressive than my version of "success". I am not them. They are not me. It's not a competition*. Moreover, it's just as cruel to make people feel guilty over what they've achieved as it is to make myself feel terrible about what I haven't.

* I know there are folks who will try to make it one: the fat-shamers and the "you're not a REAL writer unless you're doing [Y]" and whathaveyou, but those people are not my friends.

Anyway, I shared some of this with my friend, and he said it was useful. So I thought I'd put it on LJ in case anyone else does too.

Also, to Level Head: thank you, dear sir, for that gentle request way-back-when. :)

Comments

[harvey-rrit.livejournal.com]

I am not a real writer.

REAL writers can write standing up.

[rowyn]

... I'm not gonna go there. -_-

[harvey-rrit.livejournal.com]

*g*

Good.

All the REAL writers who invent ex post facto laws about writing need to know that REAL writers play in traffic. Or something.

[rowyn]

*giggles* That is harsh. (But I am giggling anyway!)

[level-head.livejournal.com]

You're quite welcome, dear friend. It would be fair to note that I have to remind myself of the same thing from time to time.

I mentioned Marcus Aurelius earlier. One of his "notes to myself" (which were centuries later published as Meditations) is useful:

Be vigilant over your thoughts, so that nothing should steal into them without being well-examined.

Best wishes!

==============/ Keith DeHavelle

[rowyn]

Most aphorisms don't stay with me when I need them most, but the "not a stick" one has. A confluence of words and the person who wrote them, I dare say. :)

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

I think this a lot when people compliment artists by saying stuff like 'Wow, you're so good, it makes me sick.' Why would you ever want to say that to someone? Why would a compliment like them make me happy? I always feel terrible when people say things like that to me. You want to make other people feel happier and stronger and more capable. To know that just by existing you make some people feel the opposite is a terrible burden.

I try to watch my language and my thoughts as much as possible. Negativity serves no one.

[rowyn]

To know that just by existing you make some people feel the opposite is a terrible burden.

Wow, that is a depressing thought. :(

My thoughts prattle on while I'm busy doing other things, but words are a little easier to keep in line. Especially written words.

[harvey-rrit.livejournal.com]

For long ages, cruel and bitter people have taught that it is right and proper that the have-nots hate the haves. I think it's how they reproduce.

[alltoseek.livejournal.com]

Wait, so this person thought you were finishing a book every few months? Ahahahaha... :D Seems to me you've been working on the same one for quite some time.

Tho if what you really want is to make progress on writing, listening to ppl who are successful at it seems to me the way to go. You may not be able to achieve success, but being discouraged by tips from writers on how to write seems like a guaranteed path to failure.

Success at most things comes down to one thing: Discipline. To be successful as a writer you need to commit to X number of hours of writing per day, and set the time each day to do it. Then write during those times. That's the minimum requirement. You are not guaranteed success from this one disciplined commitment, but you are unlikely to achieve it otherwise.

That discipline to commit to work/practice at a skill seems to be a consistent requirement. For artists, dancers, musicians, computer programmers, salespeople, athletes, dog groomers, doctors, what-have-you (some people get paid for their work/practice cuz otherwise no one would bother to get good at it :-) Writers don't get to be exempt. Not if they want to be "successful".

So then it's a matter of deciding what you want to be "successful" at, because there are only so many hours in the day, and lots and lots of options for how to spend those.

[archangelbeth]

To be successful as a writer you need to commit to X number of hours of writing per day, and set the time each day to do it.

Well, actually... No. That's one way to get success, and it's a fairly logical way, but we are not all alike. Some authors are thinking and muttering to themselves for a few days, then sit and write. Some authors have a life that does not permit more than a paragraph here and there. And yet, at least some of those authors eventually (or frequently!) manage to finish things, and certainly some of those get them published in some form and earning some amount of money.

There is no One True Way to Author except "somehow, get words out of your head." That's the only requirement for authoring. The basic requirement for publishing? Is to get the words where they can be bought. The rest? Is down to luck; one can try to weight the dice, but degree of success is luck and if one obsesses over "I did everything right; where is my success??" then one will be MISERABLE.

So.

Discipline looks like different things to different people, and even in different projects. No advice is one-size-fits-all.

[rowyn]

This is a very sensible take on the subject as a whole! It deserves to be a post in its own right. :)

[rowyn]

No, he wasn't refering to me in that comment about people who finish writing a book every few months. He was talking about other authors he knows. :)

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

I'm jealous of everyone about everything. I wouldn't say I resent them for that, though.

[archangelbeth]

There needs to be a word for "jealous without resentment." As well as "Totally pleased for someone's success (while also wishing one had a non-zero-sum success, too)."

[rowyn]

I always think of "envious" as "wanting what someone else has, but not particularly wanting to deprive them of it" while "jealous" is "wanting to take what someone else has away from them and for yourself". I don't think this is dictionary-standard, though. -_-

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty sure I think of 'envious' as 'a fancy way of saying jealous'. n.n

[rowyn]

Hey, better than resenting them without being jealous! ;)