Almost Done

[rowyn]

I think Ash is going to die soon.

Just a couple of days ago, I was thinking that she seemed stable. In very poor health, but ... stable. She was incontinent and she stopped drinking weeks ago (we've been giving her subdermal fluids daily for seven or eight weeks). But she would still move around -- turning in circles, falling over frequently, but she could get from the den to the kitchen and back again. She would eat, or try to, shoving her face into her food and lifting her head out of it and working her tongue in an effort to get some of it to slide down her throat.

Sometime yesterday, she stopped.

I gave her a bath yesterday, as I've been doing about weekly for the last three or four.  I think I knew even then. She was so week. She'd fall onto her side and not even try to get up.  She hasn't tried to eat since last night.  This morning, a few minutes after I put her down by her food bowl in vain hope, I found her lying on the floor, unmoving, in a puddle of urine.

She doesn't purr when I hold her.

One of my friends -- whose cat is also dying, horribly, of cancer, who he's putting to sleep today and he tried to call me last night but I didn't get the message and now it's too late for me to say goodbye to that cat, too -- my friend said to me a couple of weeks ago that there's a spark inside every living thing that makes them who they are. 'You can keep the biological process going after that spark goes out, but they're still gone.'

I am afraid that Ash's spark is already gone. That she may not die today, but I will never hear her purr again.

I held her this morning, after cleaning her up, my face screwed up and crying not because I cared about cleaning up after her but because I don't want her to die.  I'm not ready, I thought, and imagined Ash complaining, I've given you two and a half years to get ready.  When will you be?

Never, I guess.

I don't know exactly why I'm writing this down.  To get it out of my head, so I can stop thinking about it, maybe.

I keep wondering if I've done too much, fought too hard to keep her alive instead of letting her go.  Or if I haven't done enough, if I should have taken her to that neurologist veterinarian, if there was something he could have done. 

I love you, Ash. I hope you're still alive when I get home.  I hope you get to pass away peacefully in my arms.  There doesn't seem much else left to hope for, now.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Comments

[oceansedge.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, it's so hard to let them go.

[rowyn]

Yeah, it really is. :( Thank you.

[mrw42.livejournal.com]

It is so hard to lose our little furry friends! I am sorry that you, and Ash, are going through this right now.

[rowyn]

I remember you lost Chip recently, too. :( Sigh. It's worth it to have them for a little while, but I wish cats lived as long as we do.

[alltoseek.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. It's always hard, no matter how it happens. You can keep second-guessing yourself for your choices but that part doesn't matter now.

Just grieve.

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

My deepest sympathies. You know how I love my cats -- I can only imagine what you're going through. I wish I could help somehow.

-TG

[shockwave77598.livejournal.com]

There is never a good time for bad stuff to happen.
*hugs*

[the-vulture.livejournal.com]

May her transition be peaceful. May all who love her soon find comfort.

*warm hugs*

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

You win this time, entropy. But one day, you will pay!

[duane-kc.livejournal.com]

I've been there myself; I'm so sorry. I'm here if you need an ear or a shoulder.

[verminiusrex.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear about your cat, any pet that has been part of our lives for any length of time becomes part of us. I still miss a rat that was only part of my life for eight months and has been gone for over 17 years.

[velvetpage.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your loss - whenever it comes.

Ash lucked out to have you for family.

[emilydm.livejournal.com]

:: hugs :: I'm so sorry. :(

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

*hugs* :(

[octantis.livejournal.com]

I went through the exact same thing about a year ago now, I guess, so I know how you feel. Karena and me both. Twice, actually. I wrote almost the same things you did, wasn't sure why I wrote about it, questioned everything. It's awful in a way that nothing else is. I feel this with you.

I think when people believe they should be 'ready' for the death of a loved one, a lot of them have an impression that it means being braced in such a way that the pain will be minimized or removed. It seems to me as though to do that is to misunderstand grief. You have to feel it and express it, grieving whether it's crying or writing or anything else. These are expressions of love just as powerful and important as caring and nurturing.

I'm sorry, Rowan. I feel this with you.

[okojosan.livejournal.com]

I know how this is, because I went through the same thing with Cleo's decline. At least your kitty is at peace now, and you took very good care of her.