Coming Out, Part Two

[rowyn]

The last thing I came out about went a lot better than I expected it to. Maybe this one will, too. A lot more people already know it, at least.

Lt.Warhound and I have an open relationship. We always have, for the last eight years of our relationship. Longer, if you count the time when our FurryMUCK characters were in an open relationship online.*

The irony here is that one of the advantages to being in an open relationship is that if you get into another relationship, you don't have to hide it. Lut doesn't mind, so I don't need to keep it secret from him. And he's the only one whose opinion matters, right?

Except that I didn't want to tell people I was in an open relationship with Lut. So I've wound up hiding things anyway.

Getting pretty tired of hiding stuff. Some people are good at keeping secrets, but I'm not. Not good at hiding my feelings, anyway. Sometimes I wish I was, but I'm 34 and if I haven't figured it out yet, I doubt I ever will.

I used to tell myself, "It's nobody else's business, anyway." I suppose that's true. But the reason I didn't tell anyone isn't that I wanted privacy, but that I was afraid of what people would think. Of what my friends would think. Oh, I still want a little privacy, which is why I'm not going into many details of what sorts of other relationships Lut or I have had over the last eight years.**

But I am going to say this:

I love ltwarhound.

And I love koogrr.

And I am very happy that I am in the kind of relationship with both of them where that's OK.

* This fact is one of the reasons I don't call myself a Christian; one of those 'but I strongly disagree with this teaching' things that kept me from believing in Christ at all for so long. I do believe in Christ as Savior, but I know that some of my other beliefs are so wildly different from most Christians that I don't want to co-opt their label.

** Not very many. Trust me, we're not exciting swinger types.

Comments

[prester-scott.livejournal.com]

Huh. Okay. Well, after seeing you two together, I'm not quite shocked. But I am intrigued to see how this will develop over time.

[rowyn]

Yeah. Me too.

[oceansedge.livejournal.com]

*smiles*
Can't say I'm shocked. Doesn't really suprise me at all. But then a lot of my friends are... and I never presume any relationship is open or closed unless specifically told so. Even then it's kinda 'ho hum, that's nice', non of my business really. *grins*

Still some folks tweak my perceptive nature, or intution or something more than others and I end up saying something goofy like "I'm not surprised". *smiles*

[rowyn]

My original cut-tag was "My Worst-Kept Secret". While I've been conscious of not saying anything in my own LJ, I've left comments in the unlocked entries of others about being in an open relationship. Part of me never liked keeping it private.

[koogrr.livejournal.com]

She does, I do.

[rowyn]

*hug* :)

I love you!

(Wow, so much more space out here than in that cramped little closet. Mm, roomy.)

[sandratayler.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that you have positive relationships with people you love who return your love. It's even better that everyone is happy with the arrangement.

Thank you for being brave enough to share.

[rowyn]

Thank you. :) It was scary to write.

[makovette.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that all clicks into place from my perspective actually. I was more or less peripherally aware you and Lut were in an open relationship, but it isn't a focus of my interest, so I kinda went that's cool, and promptly forgot about it.

To hear you and Koogrr are involved is no great surprise given the strength of the connections between you both in your writings over the past couple of years.

My best wishes for all of you guys, poly can be challenging at times, but quite a fair number of folks out there are making it work every day.

CYa!
Mako

[rowyn]

Thank you! I'm hopeful, too. Every kind of relationship has its challenges, traditional or not. But I do very much want everyone involved to be happy. :)

[octantis.livejournal.com]

I guess I must be the only one who's surprised! Wow, this was kind of out of left field for me, but maybe it's a sign I should be paying more attention to my friends than I do. I guess I could tell you were very close to Koogrr, but it's kind of like... you have so much love for people in general, I didn't think about it much.

Well, I see no reason to judge you about this either. You're all rational adults and seem comfortable with it. One of my best friends has a husband and a wife and it seems to work out well. Only possible thing I could think of to say about it is that it seems like something that not everyone would be able to make work. But if you can, and have no regrets, more power!

[rowyn]

I guess I could tell you were very close to Koogrr, but it's kind of like... you have so much love for people in general, I didn't think about it much.

That's a good thing! I do have a lot of close and cuddly friendships that are just that -- friendships. One of the reasons I didn't want to say anything about being in an open relationship is that I'm afraid people will start assigning ulterior motives to many perfectly platonic gestures on my part. :/ Anyway, I think it speaks well of you that you didn't. :)

[kelloggs2066.livejournal.com]

Coolness!

Hope it all works! :)

[rowyn]

Thanks! Me too. :)

[mister-wolf.livejournal.com]

And I already knew! I feel honored.

Anyway, I don't fully understand, but I approve and wish you luck. =:)

[rowyn]

Thank you. :) I enjoyed talking to you about it in your LJ -- it was nice to try explaining it to someone who didn't understand it, but who also wasn't going to condemn it.

[detroitfather.livejournal.com]

I won't pick a fight with you about this, not in your Journal. But, seeing all the approbation in the other replies here, I'll only comment that (1) I read the entry; (2) as one who fully adopts the Christian label, I have the old, tired, predictable traditional Christian objections to this.

[prester-scott.livejournal.com]

I do too, but I know she knows what I would have said, and it would not have made any difference, so I didn't bother saying it.

Happy for you

[telnar.livejournal.com]

Having just talked to you about it a few minutes ago, I don't have much reason to comment at length, but I did want to at least put a public marker down to say that I'm happy to see you happy.

Re: Happy for you

[rowyn]

Thank you! I'm happy to be happy. :)

. o O (Is this going to be a trilogy?)

[krud42.livejournal.com]

>"I was afraid of what people would think."

That's as legitimate a fear as any other, I think.

People's thoughts, justifiable or not, can have a powerful effect on both the thinker and the topic of their thought. (If that was rather muddled, I apologize.)

I think what I meant is, a lot of people have a tendency to "re-stereotype" a person based on some new tidbit of info, combined with their own preconceived notions. Politically-minded -- and religion-minded -- people do it all the time (though not all of them, of course. And maybe not even most of them. But enough of them.)

You shouldn't have to deal with other people's mental baggage. So I totally understand the need to lock the entry. To me, one of the aspects of being a friend is that you accept and appreciate a person, regardless of what you might find out about them.

Does that mean we agree with everything they do? Of course not. I don't think there's a rule anywhere that says that. But I do think there are things that fall under the "none o' my beeswax" category, and I'm pretty sure this is one of them.

(Wow, all of this waffling has made me hungry for some real waffles...)

Re: . o O (Is this going to be a trilogy?)

[sandramort.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Fresh strawberries and real whipped cream! (Sorry.. don't mention food in front of 41 week pregnant women!)

[sandramort.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know Koogrr, but it's not surprising to me... but I suppose I'm not one of the people you expected to freak :)

[rowyn]

Well, no. You already knew Lut and I had an open relationship. Or at least knew at some point in the past. :)

[jim-lane.livejournal.com]

Having worked with a married couple who were (I finally realized) in a poly relationship, and also having a good (distant) friend who lived that life for some time, I can only wish you three peace and happiness.

It works for some, not for all, yet the fact that it does work in select situations (and has countless times, over mankind's long history) speaks, in itself, volumes.

All the best!

[rowyn]

It works for some, not for all, yet the fact that it does work in select situations (and has countless times, over mankind's long history) speaks, in itself, volumes.

Yeah. My relationship with Lut has lasted eight years, so far; before that, my longest relationship with one person was four. Obviously, there are many factors at work that make me happy with my relationship with Lut. But his lack of jealousy does help a lot. (And I don't get jealous of him, either, but I think that would've been true in any of my prior relationship, had previous SOs been interested in polyamory).

I used to engage in a kind of 'serial monogamy', where I'd break up with one man whenever I got interested in another. Not a good thing. I'm very glad and grateful to be involved with the men that I am now.

[level-head.livejournal.com]

My best wishes to you, as always. And to Koogrr and the Lieutenant as well; these are fortunate people.

There will always be challenges. May they be minimal in their effects, and may you overcome them in the very best ways.

===|==============/ Level Head

[rowyn]

Thank you, sir. I hope I'm up to it, too. :)

you silly, silly woman

[jimmy-hollaman.livejournal.com]

You still amaze me at times. this is supposible a thing that will change our oppinion about you? i have to many polly friends and been in a polly relationship before to get to weirded out. A polly relationship is more than a swingers thing. Look at the murray bahms. they are all married together. Jim and paula are legally married. But they both consider Margene there wife as well. So till you say some thing that really freaks me out i will just say this. Nothing has changed, i still feel the same about you and love you as the person you are. (even if you think your life is to strange that no one would understand)

Re: you silly, silly woman

[rowyn]

Heehee! Admittedly, I knew some of my friends would understand (I counted you on the list of people who already knew, in fact). :) It's just some of the others who won't like it.

And I like and respect all my friends, even the ones who don't approve of some of my actions. So it's kinda difficult for me. But sometimes you just have to live with some disapproval.

[minor-architect.livejournal.com]

I think I knew subconsciously that your relationship with Lut was an open one; you've said very frankly, and several times, that you love him but you aren't planning to marry him. So I guess that was my major clue.

Doesn't make me love you any less, though! I wouldn't enjoy an open relationship myself but that's me and not you.

Thank you for being so forthright about this. You're a braver woman than I am, Gunga Din! Or something like that. ;-)

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

Somehow I had gotten the impression they were married already, so this is all news to me. But well, Rowyn's the loving and lovable kind. };)

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

*grin*

[rowyn]

Somehow, I didn't think you'd be too disapproving. :D

[hotspurre.livejournal.com]

Oh, darn, I was hoping that this revelation, like the other one, was something I didn't know.

Ah well, can't be new all the time. :)

[rowyn]

Heh! Maybe I can come up with some surprises for you later. I dunno, you know me pretty well already and I don't keep that many secrets. :)

Not suprised

[aloyen.livejournal.com]

Tried it myself for several years but wasn't working out so I made a stand and kept my wife to myself.

If it's working for you and makes you and your SO's happy, then I'm happy for you.

**hugs**

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

*grins*

I'm glad to be able to post how happy I am about this.

You make my friend happy. You bring a light to his eyes and a confidence to his entire being that I've never seen before.

Thank you for that. :-) Thank you for loving him in the way that he deserves. The other stuff? Meh. It works itself out. :-)

You're welcome. :)

[rowyn]

And thank you for sharing the side you see. I'm glad to hear that he still looks happy, even when I'm not around. I feel really, really lucky.

[playfuleye.livejournal.com]

Second that post from Mrs. Peregrine. I think you're a beautiful gal and I'm so happy that you can feel confident enough to post something like this on your journal. You have my support, John's an awesome guy, and I'm glad for what you two have now. *hugs*

[rowyn]

It was borrowed bravery, actually -- I asked John if he wanted me to announce it, and he said yes. I figured, he'd have to live with all the people I was telling, and I only saw them online. If he could be brave about it, so could I. :)

And I'm glad he wanted to -- I feel a lot better, not trying to pretend to be normal. One of my first entries was a quote -- "It is better to be hated for what you are, than loved for what you are not." At the time, I posted it with a question: "Is it, do you think?"

Now that I think about it -- yeah, it is. Not that anyone hates me anyway. But if people are going to disapprove of the things I do and believe, I'd just as soon they knew where I stood, rather than assuming that I agreed with them.

Of course, most people have been really supportive, like you and Lady Peregrine. :) Thank you! I'm glad I got a chance to hang out with you while I was in Florida -- you're a great person. *hug*

PS: And I gotta agree with you -- John is an awesome guy. :)