Writing Exercise: Bad descriptions

[rowyn]

level_head said to me that my "writing badly" exercises so far have all been well-written, and accordingly, he was not convinced that writing badly was something I was even capable of. I'm doing these exercises all wrong! *cries* ;_;

And this is my last chance! So I'm going to do my very best ... er ... very worst on this one. The genre is "badly written @descs".

You are looking at a human. She is a womn. She is bloned. Her hair iss long. It is over her ears. She is long-legd. She is short. She is very thin. She is big-chestde. She is browne-eyd. Her eys are ey-shaped. Heer face is angular. She is very tall. She has a mouth. She has two lisp. Her cheeks are round. Shee is white-skinned, except where she is tan. She is clothed. In clothing. She is curvey. You arr thinking she is very very very beutifull. You are seen by her. You are being smiled t by her. She is very very very beutifull. HEr mouth is red. She is black-haired. Her teeth are whit. Her feet are smaell. Her fet are in high-HEeled sandals. Her breasts are big. There is desire in you to have sex wth her. Her thigh-high boots are sexy. She is VERY VERY VERy SExy. You are very very very much in love with her. She is aaverage hite.

---

All right. I hope the above satisfies everyone that I can write badly, because I don't think I can do much more of that.

(I was originally going to do a desc with run-on sentences and misspellings, inaccurately-used big words, lots more reader-hijacking, etc. But I thought that would probably be too entertaining to qualify as authentically "bad". Plus, I don't think I could come up with a reader-hijacking better than Chip Unicorn's "Upon seeing this character, you immediately perform three bank robberies, give your ill-gotten gains to the Libertarian Party, then work as an Elvis impersonator in Vegas.")

Comments

[jordangreywolf.livejournal.com]

Hey, it's kind of interesting how Chip_Unicorn suggests making it "like a newspaper article, going from general to specific". Around here, we call that headlining! (i.e., give the summary first, then the details.)

And you know what? It occurred to me the other day ... that I rarely ever headline in conversation! Augh! Sometimes I even lose my point before I ever get to it, because I spend so much time "building up" to it. I must mend my ways! =P

Re:

[rowyn]

I don't know how formal conversation has to be. After all, sometimes you don't want to spoil the story by giving the end first. :)

But it's an interesting idea, trying to give your point up front when you're talking. Hmm.

Re:

[jordangreywolf.livejournal.com]

Well, if it's a story or a joke, sure, build up to it.

But if, for instance, I'm trying to ask my supervisor if I can leave early, I really should get to the point first, rather than beating around the bush.

Re:

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

True, your supervisor may appreciate the forthright approach. 'Excuse me, do you mind if I leave early?' vs 'Excuse me, but I have this thing happening at 6 o' clock that I should prepare for, and bunches of my friends are coming over, and um, do you mind if I leave early?'

('gryn)

Re:

[rowyn]

Good point. And I think I do the roundabout version of that myself. Though ... hm. Depends. Actually, I think I ask first, and then if she asks why I elaborate. :)

Re:

[chipuni.livejournal.com]

I think diamond-shaped is better for descriptions: go general, then specific, then summarize. Or what I've heard is a principle of good teaching: Tell them what you're going to tell them, tell them, then tell them what you told them.

And that was for descriptions, not conversations. Conversations meander.

Re:

[rowyn]

That diamond-shape thing was what I was thinking, too. Essays are the same way -- remember that whole introduction-body-conclusion thing? Didn't you ever write the body first and then figure out what your introduction and conclusion should be? :)

Re:

[jordangreywolf.livejournal.com]

Not to go completely tangent ... but is that picture in your icon an otter drinking from a bottle? =D

Re:

[chipuni.livejournal.com]

Yep!

I remember getting it from BBC News, but I can't find the original picture any more.

It's my 'isn't this KY000000TE' picture.