rowyn

When I was in second or third grade, my teacher gave us an assignment: write instructions on how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for someone who's never made one or even seen what one looks like.

After we turned in our assignments, my teacher then followed our instructions, one after another.

If you've never seen this lesson, it is mainly a lesson in assumed knowledge. The teacher's goal is "if there is any way to do it wrong, do it that way." If the instructions tell you to put peanut butter on one side, bear in mind that bread slices have six possible sides. If the instructions don't specify to take the bread out of the bag, try to make it with bread still in the bag. If they don't say to open the jars, put the entire jars in between bread slices. If they don't tell you to pick up a utensil, try using the utensil without picking it up. Etc.

The lesson works best if the person assembling the sandwiches is very creative about what they can imagine getting wrong. It is hard to cover all the possible ways one could get it wrong, because we are well-trained on how to do it right.

My workplace decided to do this as a team-building exercise: remote associates would write instructions, and those as a main location would assemble sandwiches. I wasn't going to participate: I remembered how hard it was to do when I was seven. But another associate asked to partner with me, so, okay.

I wrote instructions.

These are not perfect instructions. I could find ways to mess them up. (I really phoned in how to open a bag, sheesh. And I didn't explain how to hold a knife or spoon, although at least I specified 'in hand".) I was personally a little disappointed that partners in the exercise were not incentivized to screw up the directions. Anyway, I did win the contest with these. For maximum entertainment value, imagine what one could mess up following this anyway, or why I'd need to be this specific.

How to make a PB&J

1. Make sure the following items are assembled within easy reach, on top of a counter. (If you do not have a counter available, substitute a table throughout these directions): Table knife, Spoon, Jelly in jar, Peanut butter in jar, Loaf of sliced bread, Dinner plate
2. Set plate directly in front of you on counter.
3. If bread is in a bag, open bag. How to open bag will depend on exact bag, but may, eg, involve untwisting a tie from one end and pulling the plastic apart at the top of that side so that it is open on one end.
4. Remove two slices of bread from open bag.
5. Place slices of bread on plate, side by side.
6. Close bag for loaf of bread.
7. Hold peanut butter jar by its body, cap-side-up, in your off hand.  (ie, in left hand if you are right-handed).  Your fingers should curve around the side of the jar and your thumb curve around the side in the other direction.
8. With your free hand, take hold of cap.
9. Unscrew cap from peanut butter jar by turning the cap counter-clockwise.
10. Place peanut butter jar cap upside down on counter.
11. Pick up knife by its handle in free hand.
12. Insert blade of knife into through the opening in the peanut butter jar created when you removed cap.
13. Use blade of knife to scoop out a couple of tablespoons of peanut butter jar.  Quantity does not need to be exact.
14. Put peanut butter jar down on its bottom on counter.
15. Pick up slice of bread in your free hand.
16. Hold slice of bread so that one face is against your palm and the other side faces up.
17. Place the side of the knife that has peanut butter on it against upper face of the bread slice in hand.
18. Slide the side of the knife with the most peanut-butter on it over the bread in such a way that the peanut butter is spread over one face of the bread slice in hand.
19. If there is significant peanut butter on other side of knife blade, repeat step 18 with the other side.
20. Cover upper face of bread slice in hand evenly with peanut butter in a thin layer, 1/16th to 1/8th inch thick, depending on how you like your sandwich.
21. When almost all peanut butter from knife is on bread face, place base of knife against edge of bread, with the rest of the blade above the face of bread that has peanut butter.
22. Drag blade down along edge of bread, from base to tip of blade, to scrape off any remaining peanut butter onto the face of the bread that already has peanut butter.
23. Repeat #22 for other side of knife blade if there's still peanut butter on it.
24. Replace slice of bread in your hand in an empty space on the plate, with the peanut-butter-side up.
25. Put knife in sink, dishwasher, or other spot appropriate for dirty utensils.
26. Pick up peanut butter cap in your dominant hand.
27. In your free hand, hold peanut butter jar by its body, cap-side-up, in your off hand.  (ie, in left hand if you are right-handed).  Your fingers should curve around the side of the jar and your thumb curve around the side in the other direction.
28. Place cap right-side-up against top of peanut butter jar.
29. Screw cap onto peanut butter jar by turning the cap clockwise.
30. Place peanut butter jar bottom-side down on counter.
31. Open jelly jar, using steps 7-10 but with jelly jar instead of peanut butter jar.
32. Pick up spoon by its handle in free hand.
33. Insert bowl of spoon into through the opening in the jelly jar created when you removed cap.
34. Use bowl of spoon to scoop out a tablespoon of jelly from the jar.  Quantity does not need to be exact.
35. Put jelly jar down on its bottom on counter.
36. Pick up the empty slice of bread in your free hand.
37. Hold slice of bread so that one face is against your palm and the other side faces up.
38. Place the bowl of the spoon against upper face of the bread slice in hand, with the jelly in the bowl of spoon facing the bread.
39. Slide the bowl of spoon over bread so that the jelly approximately covers the upper face of the bread slice in hand.
40. Use back of spoon to finish spreading jelly neatly over upper face of bread slice in hand.
41. When almost all jelly from spoon is on bread face, place base of spoon bowl against edge of bread, with the rest of the bowl above the face of bread that has jelly.
42. Repeat 40 for back of spoon if there is significant jelly left on it.
43. Put spoon in sink, dishwasher, or other spot appropriate for dirty utensils.
44. With free hand, pick up slice of bread with peanut butter on it so that the empty face is against your palm and the peanut butter side faces up.
45. Align slice of bread with jelly on it against the slice of bread with peanut butter on it, so that the sides covered in peanut butter and jelly face each other and the two pieces of bread are lined up into a single square. If the instructions worked, this is your PB&J.
46. Put PB&J on clear section of dinner plate. 
47. Follow steps 26-30, but with jelly jar instead of peanut butter jar.
48. You are now done.