Poll results, part II

[rowyn]

A few more people voted in the poll, and a few others had misread the instructions and filled it out with "10=best, 1=worst". So I went back and re-crunched the numbers, yielding (as one might expect) somewhat differnet results.


New top-to-bottom (doesn't quite match the poll results itself, because I inverted one person's answers manually when he let me know)

3.55: His last thought, just before the bullet hit his chest, was Man, I hate this part.
4.18: She would have traded her self-respect for two loaves of bread and a half-gallon of milk, but after the grocry clerk checked its worth, he had to turn her offer down.
4.18: The Weekly Wolrd News was the one who got it right
4.27: You'd think having the powers of a god would make things easy, but somehow, it never did.
4.36: Tachtli had hoped, when she sacrificed her right hand to the god, that it would be enough.
4.55: I have come to watch the world end.
4.73: Aritficial Intelligence Program Selene-32J had wanted, for years, to conceive and raise a child of her own.
5.09: Starving for ten days, it turned out, wasn't nearly as bad as she would have thought.
6.36 Although the dance club was all but deserted, it looked ready for business.
6.55: The ground beneath her cheek shook, its damp, earth scent filling her nostrils.
6.73: Before Michael had even come through the door and slammed his lapboard on the dining room table, his mother knew something was wrong.
7.36: Dust motes float in the jagged amber sunlight that peeks through the broken slats on the shutters covering tall, narrow windows.

The variance between best and worst has increased substantially, from less than two points to almost four. The results are also a lot closer to what I would have expected. The top four are all ones that were written for the poll, with my only consideration being "What would be grabby?" In fact, if I were to fill this poll out myself, this wouldn't be too far from my own order. I'd've ranked "I have come to watch the world end" more highly, though.

"Bullet" is even more of a standout now than earlier. Not only is it a half-point ahead of the two second-place finishers, but it was also the top choice for four different people. Interestingly, those who picked it for no. 1 were also four of the tope five "toughest critics" . I crunched out each voter's mean vote, and the four voters for "Bullet" were ranked first, second, third, and fifth for highest mean. So it looks like "Bullet" would be worth developing. I'll probably still work on "Tachtli" next anyway, even though it took only 5th -- just because it's still the only one I've got something of a plot outline for.

"Dust"'s one top-pick vote was meant to be a bottom-pick vote, making it the hands-down loser for the poll. I think I'll start that story with a different line before I send it out. :)

Comments

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

I noted I was the only one who suggested an opening line too. Ah well. ('gryn)

[rowyn]

Detroitpainter did, too: "Driving the old Austin made the Archbishop nervous."

I think the concept behind yours ("It isn't a respectable business, but it is very steady, is licensed grave thievery") is interesting, but the wording's too clunky. I see why you want to put "grave thievery" at the end, but it's awkward. Might work better as something like:

This isn't a respectable business, but it is very steady, the licensed grave thief reflected as he opened up the tomb.

"Licensed" looks a bit jammed in, phrased that way, though.

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

The first line actually reads as follows, but the LJ poll mechanism doesn't allow very long answers!

It isn't a respectable business, but it is very steady, is licensed grave thievery, steady as burial in this city when fortunes rise and fall on an instant andthere always comes a time that a struggling young sheik has to borrow against the valuables his family buried with his old great-great-granddad. Oh, only with the greatest of respect to his ancestors, of course, and in the strict understanding that it will be made good, but nevertheless, there we are...

[koogrr.livejournal.com]

Ah yes, that makes much more sense now!

[level-head.livejournal.com]

"I have come to watch the world end" is memorable.

Beats hell out of "Call me Ishmael".

Amusingly, when I read your comment about your own ranking, I thought "I'd've ranked 'I have come to watch the world end' more highly, though."

Then I read this exact same sentence from you, word for word.

Best wishes, and fast healing!

===|==============/ Level Head

[jordangreywolf.livejournal.com]

And how! I'm very disappointed that it didn't get a stronger showing. However, the items that rated stronger than it were among those that I thought were (more or less) the stronger ones of the bunch. It's at the bottom of the good, so to speak, not buried at the bottom. (And when, well, about half of the sentences were really gifted with at least SOME sort of merit to make me want to read further, it's sort of inevitable that a good line might get pushed down to the halfway mark in the results. ;) )

[level-head.livejournal.com]

The contest was rigged... ];-)

We did not have the opportunity to skim a bit more in the first paragraph or two if we were *somewhat* hooked by that first line.

An opening line contest is rather different from the sort of thing an editor looks for -- although it's included.

One famous opening sequence that grabbed me:
"As I left Kenya Beanstalk capsule he was right on my heels. He followed me through the door leading to Customs, Health, and Immigration. As the door contracted behind him I killed him." --- "Friday" by Robert Heinlein

===|==============/ Level Head

[jordangreywolf.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm convinced that the first PARAGRAPH is what I should be seeing. I DO think that the first sentence will play a part in how the paragraph as a whole is received ... by the editor as much as by one of us (the guinea pigs) reading through the samples. So, I personally would think that presenting the first paragraph would give a more telling result.

Not that I have any statistical basis whatsoever to make that claim.

[level-head.livejournal.com]

It is tough to document a statistical basis for how you feel. ];-)

===|==============/ Level Head

[rowyn]

I think fewer people would fill out the poll if I submitted a whole paragraph for each one. But maybe I'll give that one a try, at a later date. If the poll had fewer options -- only three or four, say -- it might not be so bad.

[rowyn]

The contest was rigged... ];-)

We did not have the opportunity to skim a bit more in the first paragraph or two if we were *somewhat* hooked by that first line.

Well, but then I'd have to come up with even *more* of the story behind each opener. :) Moreover, it'd take more time for my polling audience to fill out, and I'd probably get fewer responses, methinks.

One famous opening sequence that grabbed me:
"As I left Kenya Beanstalk capsule he was right on my heels. He followed me through the door leading to Customs, Health, and Immigration. As the door contracted behind him I killed him." --- "Friday" by Robert Heinlein

I can see how that one would get your attention. :)

[rowyn]

Yeah, it is up there with the stronger lines. I guess the original showing was a little more upbeat for me, because lines from stories I'd already written did well. Now I have to write a bunch more stories. Not to mention come up with stories to write around them. :)

[rowyn]

Not doing too badly on the healing front. I finally managed to nap for a bit. I've been awake, but really tired, for most of the day.

And you did rate "I have come to watch the world end" more highly -- it was your favorite, in fact. You just didn't give a 1 to any of 'em. :)

Actually, "world end" got more 2s than any of the others. It just happened to also have gotten panned by a couple of people. If I massage the numbers a bit -- say, throw out the two best and two worst scores for every category -- then "world end" jumps into second place. And there were only three people who took the poll that didn't rate anythng a 1, and two of those people rated "world end" a 2. It had its fans, certainly. Unlike, say, that one about dust motes. :)

[level-head.livejournal.com]

The "dust motes" line is not a streamlined thought. Instead, it is a clanking bulldozer track of adjectives that inchworms over you a link at a time. You know it's powerful, but it takes too long to overwhelm you. ];-)

===|==============/ Level Head

[rowyn]

Yeah. I'd have to trap my readers' feet in concrete to give the bulldozer time to get 'em before they could get away. :)

[level-head.livejournal.com]

In other words, get them hooked on the story before they encounter this line.

Perhaps you could precede it with something like:

That dream again.

===|==============/ Level Head

[rowyn]

Do you think "That dream again" make a good hook? I use that line three times in the story, and it's so content-less that I keep thinking I should take it out entirely. On one hand, it does establish that this is "more of the same dream", and does so without much fuss ... but still, it seems so "blah".

[level-head.livejournal.com]

It's actually good, I think. It tells us several things in three words:

-- That the next thing we see will be a dream sequence.
-- That the dream has recurred to the dreamer many times
-- That the dream is significant to the story.
-- That we are fairly warned not to interpret the events as reality, so the author is not misleading us. The author thus establishes some credibility for her treatment of the reader. None of this "... and it was all a dream!" stuff.

It may not stand as a complete story, but it is a good opener.

===|==============/ Level Head

[jordangreywolf.livejournal.com]

Ah! Much more meaningful! The previous results were so spread out that it seemed almost useless. =P

[jordangreywolf.livejournal.com]

I suppose I should be humbled by the poor showing of "Dust motes" ... but then, I gave it a low vote myself, so it's not like it's any surprise!

[rowyn]

Yeah! And it was your own line!

*checks*

Well, okay, your opening line was "I heard the ticking of a grandfather clock, and a musicbox." The jagged amber sunlight didn't come in until the fourth sentence. So you can still blame me for this one. :)

And, in any case, you were in a hurry to get down your impressions, so it's not like you were trying to make it sound great. I'm not really sure what to do with the opener, to be honest. I love the vivid imagery of your original dream, and i don't really want to toss all that aside to get an "in media res" opening.