Writing Exercises: Revision, part 2

[rowyn]

Write a paragraph about anything at all

We were at it for nearly another hour, but we got absolutely no where. Or, I should say, I was at it. All right, Mr. Corning offered advice and tips, and suggested meditations and we went back and forth through some diagnostics, but it doesn't really matter what he did or I did. What counts is what I didn't do: Magic.

Decide what you want out of the paragraph, and re-write it with that in mind
It ought to sound a bit more like Bia. In some ways, I like this raw, rambling format; I could tighten it, but I think that would make it sound less like Bia. I'll try spicing it with some more details and making the prose livelier. And I want Bia to sound more frustrated.

Nearly an hour later, we'd gotten absolutely nowhere. Or, I should say, I had gotten nowhere. Mr. Corning double-checked that I had the Star in mind (I did), that I was snapping my fingers and enunciating properly (I was) and that I was pushing the thaumatic point forward in my mind .... which, apparently, I wasn't. I was trying -- oh, how I was trying! -- but the Star was as fixed and immovable in my mind as stars are in the heavens above. I couldn't budge it. I could imagine budging it, which is what I tried doing, but I could tell it wasn't the same as really moving it. It's like the difference between visualizing raising your arm, and lifting it. It is not the same. Mr. Corning offered me advice, and at his instruction I went through Traynor's Meditation to clear it, brought it back, tried again, failed. Then he had me go through Poornow's Hymn, an older type of meditation, and I tried again after that, and -- oh, it doesn't matter what he did or I did. What counts is what I didn't do:

Magic.

Comments

[krud42.livejournal.com]

I hate to admit this, but I followed the first paragraph better. But the second paragraph was more vivid and made more sense. *shrug* But hey, don't mind me, I didn't entirely care for the new Harry Potter book, so my opinion is suspect.

BTW (and this is the main reason I'm leaving a note), how do you do that thing with the bold parentheses that cuts off your journal entry?

[rowyn]

Part of the difficulty in following the second version, too, is that I'm using "jargon" that was introduced a couple of pages ago in a story you haven't read yet. If you knew what Traynor's Meditation, the Star, and thaumatic points were, in the context of the story, it'd read better.

All that said -- the third sentence is very long and likely to induce confusion just from that, jargon aside. Bia's "voice" tends to be longwinded in this fashion; I'm not sure if it's amusing enough to offset the irritation value, or not. And I appreciate you leaving a note on it. :)

The tag in question is lj-cut (with angle brackets around it) or lj-cut text="your text here" (again, with angle brackets. If you want to get really fancy, you can put a /lj-cut to end the section that's been snipped, and put the rest on the main page. (I only suggest this last if you're hiding something specific, like a big picture. I personally think cut-tags are overused by everyone, myself included.) Anyway, more info on the tags is here: http://www.livejournal.com/support/faqbrowse.bml?faqid=75

[level-head.livejournal.com]

I must comment that, as I am familiar with Bia and her situation, the expanded version works very nicely indeed.

===|==============/ Level Head

[rowyn]

Thank you -- I'm glad to hear that it works, in context. :)

[krud42.livejournal.com]

>" I personally think cut-tags are overused by everyone, myself included."

Hmm. Maybe I just haven't been exposed to them long enough. I like them thus far, as it makes it easier to browse my friends list, plus what you mentioned about not having to load a huge picture necessarily. But I do noticed them used a lot, so I thought maybe it was a "common courtesy" thing or something, to keep people from having to slog through your text to get to... whatever's next. Thanks for the info!

[rowyn]

Yeah, everyone seems to treat it as "common courtesy" thing. And I think it IS common courtesy to cut-tag an image of significant size (say, anything wider than 400 pixels, or larger than 20k). Partly for bandwidth issues, but mostly because a picture wider than the resolution your friends are using on their monitor will cause the ENTIRE FRIENDS page that it's on to wrap off screen, making it a royal pain to read the text for every post on it.

I also like cut-tags for people planning to post large chunks of other people's work (for example, quiz results, or articles cut 'n pasted from elsewhere.)

But I'm not so sure I think that every post my friends write that's longer than, oh, a screen length (that seems to be about the break point), needs to be cut-tagged. It's like we're ashamed of our own writing. "Oh, you don't *really* want to see all of this stuff I have to say. Here, I'll hide it for you."

Hey, if I didn't want to see what the people on my friends list had to say, I wouldn't have them on it!

Yet, I do the cut-tag thing myself, just the way I don't think other people should. Because, y'know, it appears to be "common courtesy". Maybe I should make this a post and ask my friends what behavior they like to SEE on their friends list (as opposed to what they DO in their own journal.)