Failure

[rowyn]

Why does "committing to do something and then not doing it" feel so much more like failing than "not committing to do something and then still not doing it"? Either way, the thing doesn't get done.

I don't think this is wholly irrational. Sometimes it's because other people are counting on me because I made a commitment. Sometimes the thing I've promised to do, someone else would have done if I hadn't made the commitment. Sometimes it's not, but I've still raised hopes and then disappointed them.

I guess that's true even if the only hopes I've raised are my own.

Comments

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

"I guess I did promise somebody ... I promised me."
--Kermit the Frog, The Muppet Movie

I know just how you feel. :)

-The Gneech

[telnar.livejournal.com]

If this scenario bothers you enough, you might be better off with some intermediate level of commitment which is strong enough to mildly motivate you, but not so strong that anyone can reasonably rely on it. People are more willing to accept statements like "I think that there's about an 80% chance that I will do this" than you might think.

[rowyn]

*giggles* That has been your historical solution, hasn't it? So, do you know how often you do the things you've said there's an 80% chance you'll do? :)

[telnar.livejournal.com]

Close enough to 80% that, having not kept detailed statistics, I can convince myself that 80% would probably be within 2 sigma had I kept statistics.

Of course, that could be a comment on either my estimating skill or my level of self deception :)

[jongibbs.livejournal.com]

I hate when that happens. I feel like I've let myself down :(

[argonel.livejournal.com]

Probably because blowing a commitment is two failures for the price of one. You haven't done something and you haven't met your commitment.

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

*purrs comfortingly on Rowyn* It proves one still has a sense of shame! Being shameless would be so much worse. };)

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

I feel absolutely no shame in breaking promises to myself. They're totally worthless.

I do hate breaking promises to other people... so I try to never ever make them. q:3

[rowyn]

The ones where I just tell myself I'll do something seem to be completely worthless. Telling someone else that I'll do it, even if it's something I'm doing for myself (like posting that I'm going to exercise regularly) is enforcable, though.

The annoying part is that I need to engage the guilt mechanism for not doing stuff or I won't *do* the stuff. Grah.

[jordangreywolf.livejournal.com]

For such reasons, I strive to make clear the distinction between "I'll do it if I can conveniently find the time without interfering with something else," and "I will stay up late, cancel all social activities, ask for a day off from work, skip meals, and do whatever it takes to make this deadline!" I try not to give too many things that latter priority, because there are only so many ways I can bump things down the priority list before "highest priority" conflicts with "highest priority," and it's a no-win situation.

As it is, Gwendel and I have very different interpretations of terminology. I consider that if I actually say, "I promise," then that implies that I am going to give it the highest priority, and I will suffer great shame if I cannot deliver. For Gwendel, if I say, "Sure, I'll pick up some sushi on the way home," but I get to the Publix and it's all picked over, and then get home without any (without going to the extra trouble of visiting other places or a more expensive sushi store to fulfill the order), she will say, "But you PROMISED!"

Technically, the word "promise" never left my lips, but because I casually said I would do something, to her that is a promise. After all, I said I would do it, hence, come heck or high water, I should do it. Hence, I have learned to insert all sorts of caveats into my "promises" to try to cover every reasonable situation under which I might fail to accomplish the task, rather than leaving such things implied.

All in all, if I can get away with it, I would prefer to just not indicate my intentions, and either do or don't, and let it be a surprise. (Or, now I have this wonderful thing called a cell phone, so I can drop by the grocery store and only when I see right in front of me that there's sushi will I bother to call and say, "Hey, do you want anything from the grocery store?") But if I SAY I'm going to do something and then I DON'T, then there's the double failure of letting down someone else's expectations (even if I stuck in all those exception clauses).

So, I think it's perfectly normal to feel worse about making a commitment to do something and failing to do so, than merely not doing something on its own. If there were no difference, there would be no point in making commitments.