Writing Exercise: The Horse

[rowyn]

Some weeks back, tuftears suggested I try writing about an emotion without using thought-bubbles or having the characters say how they're feeling directly. So I took a stab at it.

---

She carried an armload of tack down to the pasture: bit and bridle, saddle and blanket. At the gate she stopped, looking at the bay mare with the small herd inside. The horse placidly cropped at the grass. She lifted her head to glance at the girl and whickered.

The girl set the tack down atop the fence and dug into her pockets as the mare ambled over. The horse lapped at the offered sugar cubes the girl produced, velvety muzzle and wet tongue tickling her fingers. When she finished, the girl reached over the fence to pat the animal's neck and comb her fingers through the dark mane. She lifted her left booted foot to rest on a slat of the fence. Her free hand brushed against the saddle resting on the fence. Fingers trembled, then withdrew to rest on the gate while she petted the mare.

After a few minutes, with no more treats forthcoming, the mare wandered off to nibble at the grass. The girl let her go, folding her arms against the gate and resting her chin atop them. She watched the mare in silence.

"Mornin', Sarah."

The girl turned to the man strolling down the rutted track to the gate, eyes shaded by his hat, face lined and leathery from years working outside in the sun. "Mornin', Garret."

He nodded, touching fingers to the brim of his hat, and continued until he stood beside her at the closed gate. Together, they rested against the fence and watched the mare. Sarah's left hand reached down absently to rub at her ankle.

"Cast's off," Garret remarked.

"Uh huh." Sarah wriggled her foot inside its boot. "Three weeks ago."

"'S good. Still botherin' you?"

"Sometimes."

"Doc seen it since?" He gave her a sidelong glance.

"Yeah." She rubbed at it again, then put her arms back on the fence. "Says it's fine. All healed up."

"Unh." Garret watched the mare flick her tail at a fly, hide shivering to shake it off. Silence fell again, until he gestured to the tack. "Want a hand saddlin' her?"

Sarah shook her head. In the pasture, the bay brushed flanks with one of the two roans, and whinnied a greeting.

Garret turned about to rest his back and elbows atop the gate. He tipped back his hat, looking at the blue sky dotted by puffy white clouds. "Nice day."

"Uh huh."

"Good ridin' weather."

"Uh huh."

The roan moved off, and the bay came back to the gate to investigate Garret for treats. He patted her nose for a couple of minutes, but didn't give her anything. Disappointed, she went back to grazing. "It ain't her fault, y'know," Garret said. "She's a good horse."

"I know." The girl didn't move.

"You gotta get back on someday, Sarah."

Sarah took a few moments to respond. "No," she said, quietly. "Actually. I don't." She took the tack off the fence and started back to the barn.

Garret walked after her. "You love riding."

She stopped and looked at him. "I love riding, Garret. I don't love carryin' tack, or polishin' leather, or haulin' hay, or comin' out twice a day to change the dressin' on a scrape. I don't love buyin' feed or payin' the farrier." She continued back up the track.

As she opened the barn door, he said, "You don't love fallin'."

She paused again, then walked into the tack room. As he watched, she set the saddle and blanket on its dummy and hung the bridle on a peg.

"Everybody falls, Sarah."

Sarah faced him again, arms folded. "Every rider falls."

"Everybody," Garret repeated, looking her in the eye. "Everybody gets hurt. You can't run from everything that causes you pain, girl. You gotta face 'em eventually."

She met his gaze, jaw set, and held it for a long moment before her head dropped and she looked to one side. "Maybe." Sarah uncrossed her arms. "Doesn't mean I gotta do it today." She walked out of the barn.

---

Though I probably should've stopped after "No, I don't" for purposes of minimalism, really.

Comments

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you didn't stop there. It's stronger the way you wrote it. :)

[rowyn]

Thank you! I liked "I don't" as a final line, but I liked the way the rest of the conversation went, too. So I wrote it all out. It's still more minimalist than my usual expansive writing style, anyway. :)

[haikujaguar.livejournal.com]

I think the litany of things she doesn't like, offered as obfuscation (lying to herself or to her listener, doesn't matter) is very true, and I'm glad it made it in. That was the best part to me, because people really do do that and I don't see it that clearly stated very often. :)

Nice job!

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

His response is a nice counterpoint to that list, too. It cuts through all her excuses and gets directly to the heart of the issue.

And I think in some respects she's telling the truth - those aren't things she likes about riding - but she's ignoring the love for it that's still behind all that, because she's afraid.

[genkitty.livejournal.com]

I agree with all of this. And I /really/ liked the piece.

[rowyn]

Thank you! =)

[argonel.livejournal.com]

I like this piece as well. I like that you didn't cut it as short as you were initially thinking. If you thought it was running too long you could always put all or part of it behing a LJ-cut too. Note I'm not requesting that it be put behind a cut, just offering it a possibility.

If you wanted to play with the impact a bit you could leave the writing up to the "I don't" uncut, then tuck the rest behind a cut.

[rowyn]

I like that last idea. :) Although I find cut-tags annoying on other people's posts (unless they're to keep oversized images from warping the whole friends page) so I tend not to use them on my own.

[rowyn]

Yes, I think that's it exactly. Those are reasons not to ride, and they're even her reasons. But they're not the reasons she isn't riding now.

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

A great job! And I agree that it's stronger with the extra bit.

[rowyn]

Yay! The professor passed me! =)

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

If you had stopped there, you would have missed that point that it applies to life as well as riding, imo...and that's an important point that Garret makes.

I really enjoyed this piece. :-)

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

Heh. Every time I go for a minimalist ending, everyone jumps all over me asking why I stopped in the middle.

[rowyn]

Ohhhhhh. So that last chapter of Space Otters was actually the final one, and that was simply a minimalist ending? ;)

[terrycloth.livejournal.com]

No, it can't be. No one jumped all over me for it. ;)

But I don't really know where to go next with it. Or, you know, if.

Assuming that, at some point, I feel like writing again at all which hasn't happened yet. :/

[level-head.livejournal.com]

It is, essentially, two different pieces in terms of the effect on the reader.

Revealing a bit more of the story provides a much fuller insight into what's really happening in the scene.

I like both versions, in fact, and each has a place -- but I'm always a fan of more information.

===|==============/ Level Head