Forgiving

[rowyn]

What does it mean to forgive?

I was reading one of these little health pamphlets from my insurance company ("stay healthy, you'll save us money!") and one of their bits of advice was "Forgive people".

Now, in general, I see this as good advice, for reasons you're all doubtless familiar with.

But in some cases, it strikes me that I'm not sure what it means to 'forgive'. A few thought experiments.

Imagine you've got a good friend. You share some interests with this person, you've had a lot of good conversations with him, you get along well.

And then one day, you find out that he's done something awful. Not illegal, but clearly wrong. Maybe he slept with your wife. Maybe he's been spreading nasty lies about your work habits. Maybe he's been making sport in other circles by re-telling secrets that you told him in confidence.

Whatever it is, you confront him with it, and he shrugs at you. "Yeah, I did that. I do that kind of thing all the time. It's just fun, y'know?" He doesn't apologize. He doesn't even feign contrition. As far as he's concerned, he's done nothing wrong.

Maybe he doesn't care that he hurt you. Or maybe he cares that he hurt you -- "Hey, man, I didn't realize she was your wife at the time" -- but only because he likes you. He'd still cheerfully do the same wrong thing to a stranger. No particular reason, no special excuse: just he can and he will.

What does it mean to forgive someone like this -- someone who does not apologize and doesn't even think he's done something he needs to be forgiven for? His other good qualities haven't changed -- but could you still be friends with him? Should you?

Is it possible to forgive him while still refusing to have any contact with him, or does forgiveness require acceptance of the person, too? Can you say "I forgive you, but I won't give you the chance to do that again" or is that a contradiction? If it's not, what does "I forgive you" mean, anyway?

Comments

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

IMHO I think it means 'Live a low stress lifestyle', and holding a grudge is stress-inducing. To forgive someone means to give them the free hit they took on you, and not try to balance it out somehow. If you must balance it by severing contact with them, then so be it - that removes stress from your life, because you're no longer worrying they'll come back and bring further irritation.

That's not, notably, the Christian sense of forgiveness; that, I think, entails a degree of wisdom and acceptance of others' flaws that many would find difficult to achieve.

Imagine that Jesus Christ got married, say, then found out that Judas had been slumming around and cheating on him with his wife.

Judas: "Yeah, I did it. She was lonely, you were away preaching, I was feelin' the itch."

Jesus: "I forgive you."

Judas: "What? What's to forgive? It's not really a sin, we all live in a commune, like, and share property, right? What's yours is mine, what's mine is yours? And no one got hurt, right? So it's not really a sin."

Jesus: *smiles* "No. Thank you for telling me about it. I think you understand, deep in your soul, that it was wrong. But you have admitted it, and for that, I forgive you. I accept that you will, perhaps forever, perhaps only for a short time, still do these wrong things, because you will place value on momentary pleasure over the love of friendship. I do this because I love you for being who you are. So long as you choose to be, we are friends and you are my disciple. I will forever see the goodness in your heart, and work to encourage it to grow."

Judas: "Like, man, that's heavy. Uh. So that means it's okay if I go on seeing your wife? 'Cause she really is hot."

Jesus: *smiles wider, gets out a shotgun* "No."

[level-head.livejournal.com]

I am late to the discussion, but did chuckle out loud at your scenario.

A previous poster pointed out three meanings of the term "forgive" -- but the most important and keenly effective one, it seems to me, is what you do internally.

You can hold great anger -- stress, as you pointed out -- as a result of a real or perceived transgression. Forgiving someone is releasing that stress, and consciously deciding that it is not worth being stressed about.

Now, you can forgive a wasp for stinging you -- but it is merely prodent to avoid that nest in the future, for wasps do what they do whether you get mad about it or not.

Some people are like that. ];-)

The trick is to take the prudent external action, and maintain a calm internal view at the same time. Sometimes this is no more complicated than "don't get mad, get distance."

===|==============/ Level Head