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rowynWhat does it mean to forgive?
I was reading one of these little health pamphlets from my insurance company ("stay healthy, you'll save us money!") and one of their bits of advice was "Forgive people".
Now, in general, I see this as good advice, for reasons you're all doubtless familiar with.
But in some cases, it strikes me that I'm not sure what it means to 'forgive'. A few thought experiments.
Imagine you've got a good friend. You share some interests with this person, you've had a lot of good conversations with him, you get along well.
And then one day, you find out that he's done something awful. Not illegal, but clearly wrong. Maybe he slept with your wife. Maybe he's been spreading nasty lies about your work habits. Maybe he's been making sport in other circles by re-telling secrets that you told him in confidence.
Whatever it is, you confront him with it, and he shrugs at you. "Yeah, I did that. I do that kind of thing all the time. It's just fun, y'know?" He doesn't apologize. He doesn't even feign contrition. As far as he's concerned, he's done nothing wrong.
Maybe he doesn't care that he hurt you. Or maybe he cares that he hurt you -- "Hey, man, I didn't realize she was your wife at the time" -- but only because he likes you. He'd still cheerfully do the same wrong thing to a stranger. No particular reason, no special excuse: just he can and he will.
What does it mean to forgive someone like this -- someone who does not apologize and doesn't even think he's done something he needs to be forgiven for? His other good qualities haven't changed -- but could you still be friends with him? Should you?
Is it possible to forgive him while still refusing to have any contact with him, or does forgiveness require acceptance of the person, too? Can you say "I forgive you, but I won't give you the chance to do that again" or is that a contradiction? If it's not, what does "I forgive you" mean, anyway?
I was reading one of these little health pamphlets from my insurance company ("stay healthy, you'll save us money!") and one of their bits of advice was "Forgive people".
Now, in general, I see this as good advice, for reasons you're all doubtless familiar with.
But in some cases, it strikes me that I'm not sure what it means to 'forgive'. A few thought experiments.
Imagine you've got a good friend. You share some interests with this person, you've had a lot of good conversations with him, you get along well.
And then one day, you find out that he's done something awful. Not illegal, but clearly wrong. Maybe he slept with your wife. Maybe he's been spreading nasty lies about your work habits. Maybe he's been making sport in other circles by re-telling secrets that you told him in confidence.
Whatever it is, you confront him with it, and he shrugs at you. "Yeah, I did that. I do that kind of thing all the time. It's just fun, y'know?" He doesn't apologize. He doesn't even feign contrition. As far as he's concerned, he's done nothing wrong.
Maybe he doesn't care that he hurt you. Or maybe he cares that he hurt you -- "Hey, man, I didn't realize she was your wife at the time" -- but only because he likes you. He'd still cheerfully do the same wrong thing to a stranger. No particular reason, no special excuse: just he can and he will.
What does it mean to forgive someone like this -- someone who does not apologize and doesn't even think he's done something he needs to be forgiven for? His other good qualities haven't changed -- but could you still be friends with him? Should you?
Is it possible to forgive him while still refusing to have any contact with him, or does forgiveness require acceptance of the person, too? Can you say "I forgive you, but I won't give you the chance to do that again" or is that a contradiction? If it's not, what does "I forgive you" mean, anyway?
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Date: 2005-06-03 09:24 pm (UTC)Most people tend to think of forgiveness in terms of The Person Who Did The Wrong, I've come to the conclusion that's erroneous - it's not about THEM, it's about YOU. One of the reasons self help, and mental health brochures recommend forgiveness is it IS about your emotional state and health. To not forgive means you're carrying around, anger, hurt, a grudge, even hatred and bitterness.... non of which over the long term is GOOD for YOU.
You can't control how other people feel, or act, forgiveness is about controlling how you feel and act. Being angry, being hurt - that isn't going to change what happened, why, or the person who did the hurting. Forgiveness is the act of letting that go. Forgiveness is understanding that, that person acted in the only way they could based on who they are, or the experiences they know whether that they be emotionally healthy or not, and that you can't change that. Forgiveness is about accepting what one cannot change. It's about not letting someone else's negative actions control your emotions. "I don't have the power to change your behavior, but I am the only person with any say over my emotional well being, I am the only person who has the power to say "I forgive you" and let go of the negative emotions it's generated in your life.
Does this mean continueing to allow that person's negative behaviors to affect you? Does it mean you have to continue to allow this person access to your life and well being? No. You can forgive a person's behavior through understanding that they can only be the person they are, it doesn't mean you have to accept unhealthy behavior in your life. We all evenutally have to face admitting that someone we know can behave in poisonous ways. Sometimes those are minor irritations or sporadic enough, and they have enough postive traits that we continue to associate with them - but you can still reject further instances of the negative actions. Some people are so negative and poisonous as to make any association with them uncomfortable or unacceptable. In which case we cut off ties with them. That's not being unforgiving, that's being self protective.
I have forgiven my exhusband for all the things he put me through. He couldn't be anyone other than who he was. Did he know how evil he was at times? Yes, I suspect sometimes he did, but he still was the man he was/is, and I can't change that. But I'm not going to carry around the negativity that generated, life's too short for that, and I refuse to give him the power in my life to still pull my emotional strings. I don't hate him. Doesn't mean I have anything more to do with the man than I have to, because he's still an unhealthy person to allow in my life.
Forgiveness isn't being wimpy and letting messed up people to walk all over you, rather it's the exact opposite and reclaiming your emotional power and well being.