![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rowynWhat does it mean to forgive?
I was reading one of these little health pamphlets from my insurance company ("stay healthy, you'll save us money!") and one of their bits of advice was "Forgive people".
Now, in general, I see this as good advice, for reasons you're all doubtless familiar with.
But in some cases, it strikes me that I'm not sure what it means to 'forgive'. A few thought experiments.
Imagine you've got a good friend. You share some interests with this person, you've had a lot of good conversations with him, you get along well.
And then one day, you find out that he's done something awful. Not illegal, but clearly wrong. Maybe he slept with your wife. Maybe he's been spreading nasty lies about your work habits. Maybe he's been making sport in other circles by re-telling secrets that you told him in confidence.
Whatever it is, you confront him with it, and he shrugs at you. "Yeah, I did that. I do that kind of thing all the time. It's just fun, y'know?" He doesn't apologize. He doesn't even feign contrition. As far as he's concerned, he's done nothing wrong.
Maybe he doesn't care that he hurt you. Or maybe he cares that he hurt you -- "Hey, man, I didn't realize she was your wife at the time" -- but only because he likes you. He'd still cheerfully do the same wrong thing to a stranger. No particular reason, no special excuse: just he can and he will.
What does it mean to forgive someone like this -- someone who does not apologize and doesn't even think he's done something he needs to be forgiven for? His other good qualities haven't changed -- but could you still be friends with him? Should you?
Is it possible to forgive him while still refusing to have any contact with him, or does forgiveness require acceptance of the person, too? Can you say "I forgive you, but I won't give you the chance to do that again" or is that a contradiction? If it's not, what does "I forgive you" mean, anyway?
I was reading one of these little health pamphlets from my insurance company ("stay healthy, you'll save us money!") and one of their bits of advice was "Forgive people".
Now, in general, I see this as good advice, for reasons you're all doubtless familiar with.
But in some cases, it strikes me that I'm not sure what it means to 'forgive'. A few thought experiments.
Imagine you've got a good friend. You share some interests with this person, you've had a lot of good conversations with him, you get along well.
And then one day, you find out that he's done something awful. Not illegal, but clearly wrong. Maybe he slept with your wife. Maybe he's been spreading nasty lies about your work habits. Maybe he's been making sport in other circles by re-telling secrets that you told him in confidence.
Whatever it is, you confront him with it, and he shrugs at you. "Yeah, I did that. I do that kind of thing all the time. It's just fun, y'know?" He doesn't apologize. He doesn't even feign contrition. As far as he's concerned, he's done nothing wrong.
Maybe he doesn't care that he hurt you. Or maybe he cares that he hurt you -- "Hey, man, I didn't realize she was your wife at the time" -- but only because he likes you. He'd still cheerfully do the same wrong thing to a stranger. No particular reason, no special excuse: just he can and he will.
What does it mean to forgive someone like this -- someone who does not apologize and doesn't even think he's done something he needs to be forgiven for? His other good qualities haven't changed -- but could you still be friends with him? Should you?
Is it possible to forgive him while still refusing to have any contact with him, or does forgiveness require acceptance of the person, too? Can you say "I forgive you, but I won't give you the chance to do that again" or is that a contradiction? If it's not, what does "I forgive you" mean, anyway?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-03 09:10 pm (UTC)1) A decision to accept the transgression and not stress about or avenge it.
2) A decision to treat the transgressor differently as a result of (1).
The first decision is purely internal. One might be influenced by the friend's subsequent behavior, but it's equally plausible not to be.
The second decision relates much more clearly to the friend. It will probably be communicated to him (directly or indirectly). How contrite he is, how important the relationship is to you, how serious the transgression was, and how much risk there is of it recurring could all tie into this thought process.
The second kind of forgiveness can happen in stages or degrees. Perhaps as a former friend you're willing to keep some contact with this person (which you wouldn't with someone less close to you who had committed a similar offense), but things will not be quite like they were before. Perhaps things will gradually return to the way they were.
Also, there's no way to tell how things would otherwise have been without the original transgression. Even if after a year you fully absolve your friend of all guilt, perhaps the two of you drifted apart during that year. Even, absolution will not reclaim the year, although it will restore potential to the next year.