Forgiving

[rowyn]

What does it mean to forgive?

I was reading one of these little health pamphlets from my insurance company ("stay healthy, you'll save us money!") and one of their bits of advice was "Forgive people".

Now, in general, I see this as good advice, for reasons you're all doubtless familiar with.

But in some cases, it strikes me that I'm not sure what it means to 'forgive'. A few thought experiments.

Imagine you've got a good friend. You share some interests with this person, you've had a lot of good conversations with him, you get along well.

And then one day, you find out that he's done something awful. Not illegal, but clearly wrong. Maybe he slept with your wife. Maybe he's been spreading nasty lies about your work habits. Maybe he's been making sport in other circles by re-telling secrets that you told him in confidence.

Whatever it is, you confront him with it, and he shrugs at you. "Yeah, I did that. I do that kind of thing all the time. It's just fun, y'know?" He doesn't apologize. He doesn't even feign contrition. As far as he's concerned, he's done nothing wrong.

Maybe he doesn't care that he hurt you. Or maybe he cares that he hurt you -- "Hey, man, I didn't realize she was your wife at the time" -- but only because he likes you. He'd still cheerfully do the same wrong thing to a stranger. No particular reason, no special excuse: just he can and he will.

What does it mean to forgive someone like this -- someone who does not apologize and doesn't even think he's done something he needs to be forgiven for? His other good qualities haven't changed -- but could you still be friends with him? Should you?

Is it possible to forgive him while still refusing to have any contact with him, or does forgiveness require acceptance of the person, too? Can you say "I forgive you, but I won't give you the chance to do that again" or is that a contradiction? If it's not, what does "I forgive you" mean, anyway?

Comments

[jordangreywolf.livejournal.com]

I have generally interpreted it as meaning that if I am to forgive someone, then I am not going to seek redress, retribution or revenge against that person. I am not going to be brooding over it, letting my anger boil about the transgression. What's done is done.

Some people seem to think that in order to truly forgive someone, I must pretend that it never happened, or else that there was nothing wrong with it. (But then, if I were to say to someone, "I forgive you," that would imply that there was something to forgive, and I don't think that would hold up very well.)

In the past, I have held the idea that, "Well, I can forgive someone if they apologize to me, but I can't forgive someone who refuses to apologize." However, that seems to go against the idea of "turning the other cheek". I do no good to anybody if I brood over details. (I should note, though, that I don't think that I have the right to "turn someone else's cheek" for them.)

I think it not unreasonable to take action to try to make sure that the transgression can't happen again. There's nothing inherently sinful about locking your doors at night to provide some protection against being burglarized, for instance. It would be silly if, up to this point, you haven't been diligently locking the doors, but after you've been burglarized, you feel as if you can't start locking them, because that would indicate a failure to forgive the burglar.

As far as having contact, well, I do think that we should all have a certain amount of freedom of choosing who we prefer to associate with (or not), though circumstances may overrule our objections from time to time. (That is, I would not feel right in refusing to work with someone because I have a disagreement over his politics. However, I do feel that I should have the freedom to be as absolutely arbitrary as I please when it comes to figuring out who to invite over for a back yard barbecue.)

For a reference, I can think of a personal situation where I have offended a friend greatly, was subsequently forgiven, but contact between us after that point has been scarce. The last time I ran into this friend, in a chance passing in a convention, said person seemed to pointedly look away and examine some brochures rather than to acknowledge my greeting. The reaction surprised me at the time, but, ah well, it's a proper enough consequence for my past behavior. I have been forgiven - in that someone isn't going to try to "get back at me" - but I've demonstrated that social interaction with me can result in emotional costs. I can't blame someone for choosing to avoid me, therefore. (And it's not like I exactly go out of my way to make renewed contact, either.)