Forgiving

[rowyn]

What does it mean to forgive?

I was reading one of these little health pamphlets from my insurance company ("stay healthy, you'll save us money!") and one of their bits of advice was "Forgive people".

Now, in general, I see this as good advice, for reasons you're all doubtless familiar with.

But in some cases, it strikes me that I'm not sure what it means to 'forgive'. A few thought experiments.

Imagine you've got a good friend. You share some interests with this person, you've had a lot of good conversations with him, you get along well.

And then one day, you find out that he's done something awful. Not illegal, but clearly wrong. Maybe he slept with your wife. Maybe he's been spreading nasty lies about your work habits. Maybe he's been making sport in other circles by re-telling secrets that you told him in confidence.

Whatever it is, you confront him with it, and he shrugs at you. "Yeah, I did that. I do that kind of thing all the time. It's just fun, y'know?" He doesn't apologize. He doesn't even feign contrition. As far as he's concerned, he's done nothing wrong.

Maybe he doesn't care that he hurt you. Or maybe he cares that he hurt you -- "Hey, man, I didn't realize she was your wife at the time" -- but only because he likes you. He'd still cheerfully do the same wrong thing to a stranger. No particular reason, no special excuse: just he can and he will.

What does it mean to forgive someone like this -- someone who does not apologize and doesn't even think he's done something he needs to be forgiven for? His other good qualities haven't changed -- but could you still be friends with him? Should you?

Is it possible to forgive him while still refusing to have any contact with him, or does forgiveness require acceptance of the person, too? Can you say "I forgive you, but I won't give you the chance to do that again" or is that a contradiction? If it's not, what does "I forgive you" mean, anyway?

Comments

[prester-scott.livejournal.com]

I would say that it's your responsibility, when you are wronged, to be ready and willing to offer forgiveness. However, obviously forgiveness takes two; it's impossible to forgive someone who isn't penitent.

You can resolve to offer forgiveness to someone, yet simultaneously resolve to protect yourself against further injury. Also, even if the person is truly contrite, he may offend again by accident or weakness, in which case you should offer forgiveness afresh.

You are not obliged to forgive someone who hasn't offended you, personally. You are not obliged to "be friends," in the sense of sharing warm feelings, with anyone at any time. You are not obliged to protect anyone from the normal consequences of his actions, whether he's contrite or not. In fact, a truly contrite person will typically try to pay for any harm he has done, not dodge it.

[rowyn]

However, obviously forgiveness takes two; it's impossible to forgive someone who isn't penitent.

I don't think that's true, or perhaps it's just as some of the others have said elsewhere in the comments: the word 'forgive' has multiple parts to it.

One aspect of forgiveness, and this is probably the 'health' aspect of forgiveness, is purely the action of the forgiver and doesn't require penitence on the part of the forgiven. It's the part where you say "I am not going to be upset about this any more." The oher party doesn't have to make it right or apologize or come to terms with you in order for you to say "I forgive this act. I will not seek redress for it, nor will I carry the weight of anger for it, any longer." It's an act of releasing yourself from the obligation of carrying resentment.

Now, arguably, it might not be right for you to forgive someone who isn't penitent. It's certainly better for society if we seek redress against unrepentant criminals rather than forgiving them immediately for their crimes. to use an extreme example. :)