Just My Fantasy

[rowyn]

When I was thirteen or so, I had weekly sessions with a psychiatrist. Her name was Dolores. I think I called her by her first name; she may've been the first adult that I did that with. I always felt a little awkward about it.

I read a lot as a kid, mostly fantasy and science fiction. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do as an adult, but "writing fantasy" was definitely high on the list. One session, Dolores and I were talking about my fantasy life: the books I read, my fantasies about them, my imagined people and worlds, the role-playing games I'd been involved in.

Dolores told me, "You'll have to give that up someday, when you grow up."

And I got very upset with her. I didn't plan to give it up. The books I was reading were written by adults, the games I was playing were created by adults. They were played and read by adults. I didn't see why I would have to give it up.

But she insisted: "These are childish things. You'll outgrow them. You have to live in the real world eventually."

Afterwards, I asked my mother what she thought. She took my side, and she told me something every patient should know about psychiatrists: "Most people get involved in the field of psychiatry because they've had mental problems of their own. They're human, too. You may have just hit on a sensitive issue for her."

---

Here I am, two decades later, and I still haven't outgrown it. I don't read as much as I used to, but I still write a great deal, and still play fantasy games. I have a vivid and detailed fantasy life. Not just about the characters I use in roleplaying games or stories, but about things I've never written and don't plan to write. Mary-Sue stories, wherein I am the all-powerful heroine.

One recurring fantasy I have is about transforming the world, changing the rules of reality so that each individual is given complete control over his own existance -- and by extension, the inability to harm anyone else. A post-scarcity society, to use Puzzlebox terms, although I got the notion when I started playing on FurryMUCK and it never left me. Because on FurryMUCK, you don't need to eat, you don't get sick or die, you can look like whatever you want to and do whatever you want, you can make whatever you like (well, unless the building rules have changed) -- and in general, you're free. But so is everyone else -- you can't hurt them, and they can't hurt you. Unless you agree to it. I like that idea, as a model for the real world. It interests me, what kind of stories would be told in a world like that. All the MUCKs I've seen that involved more than just chatrooms inevitably had people consenting to be harmed by one another, or at least to have the possibility of harm. It's like something we can't give up, this idea of having power over others, or them having power over us.

But I digress.

I think that when Dolores said, "You have to give it up", what she was thinking is: "It's not real, it'll never be real, and you can never have it. You can't spend your life dreaming and wishing for things you can never have. It'll tear you apart with frustrated desire."

But she's still wrong: it doesn't. I still long to ride on a dragon's back, to gaze on alien vistas, to wield sorcerous powers, to create a world out of nothingness. But it does not eat at my heart to know that I will not have these things. My fantasies make me smile; they do not consume me with anger and envy just because I cannot touch them or possess them.

For that matter, some of the things I fantasize about would not even be good if they were real. I wrote an entire book about a world I would never want to live in. It may have more magic than this one, but it is not nearly so pleasant a place. The setting of Silver Scales charms and entertains me with all its odd touches and varied inhabitants ... but in the end, I do not think it would be all that much better as a home than my own. (Well, except for the teleportation part. This world is severely lacking in the teleportation department.) I used to have "Chosen One" story ideas, where one, or some small number of special people, have powers far beyond what everyone else can do -- but I seldom do anything with such ideas anymore, because I don't like what they imply for that "everyone else" who isn't Special and Chosen.

But my impossible dreams and ridiculous fantasies do not hurt me, or anyone else. They don't keep me awake at night with wishing, or stop me from doing my job in the "real world". It may be a peculiar pastime, but it's not a dangerous one. For me, anyway.

I suppose for some people, it might be riskier. But when I look at how many of my friends on LiveJournal and elsewhere also juggle between fantasy worlds and everyday lives ... well, it seems to me that my satisfaction with this arrangement is more the rule than the exception.

Comments

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

The books I was reading were written by adults, the games I was playing were created by adults. They were played and read by adults. I didn't see why I would have to give it up.

I am constantly astounded by people who just don't get that -- good for you that you not only got it, but got it when you were young, in the face of an authority figure telling you otherwise!

It does you much credit, and I salute you. :)

-The Gneech

[koogrr.livejournal.com]

Yeah, same. I remember the "oh you'll have to give that up when you're older"

There are people, whose job, is to make roleplaying games! I'm still utterly astounded by that. There are jobs that don't suck, the serious job always pushed at me, not everyone has one of those. There are people whose job is riding a raft down a river.

I'm still pissed at all the people who kept telling me work couldn't be fun.

[rowyn]

The ones who pushed me away from "fun" jobs don't bother me quite so much, because those jobs are usually hard to get and/or hard to make a living at and/or not as much fun as they sound. Most people who make gaming supplements do it as a hobby, not a career. There's not that much money in it. Even most published authors have "day jobs" because they can't make a living wage writing.

But people who say "no, this can't be your hobby, you have to go home every night and watch 4 hours of prime time dramas like the rest of us instead" -- buh. That's annoying. And I do still meet, occasionally, people who play the "my hobby is better than your hobby" game. Folks who will attack roleplaying as "immature", while defending hanging out at a bar drinking as an excellent use of free time. O.o

[rowyn]

Why, thank you, sir. :)

[oceansedge.livejournal.com]

...well, it seems to me that my satisfaction with this arrangement is more the rule than the exception.

Hurmmm I'm not sure about that. At least within the circle of people I chose to call friends. I am occassionally struck how different the microcosim of my circle of friends, and the greater world at large are. Perhaps I spend so much time with my friends, and so little time in the greater world at large, that I tend to forget that the things we take for the 'norm' within this circle, might be viewed by the 'outside' world as well decidedly strange. But ya know... that's perfectly OK, cause I like it here inside this circle, and really don't have much interest in the things the world at large seems to think are important or 'normal'. My son is lucky, he's already figured this out at 16... I didn't 'get' that til I was in my 30's

I like the kids I'm playing with these days :)

[rowyn]

I'm not quite sure that you read me correctly. What I meant by my statement is "I don't think fantasizing is unhealthy either for me, or for most people". I think people who have a problem with fantasizing too much and becoming unable to function effectively in "the real world" are in the minority. :)

[oceansedge.livejournal.com]

Ahhhhhhhhhh

Now THAT I do agree wholeheartedly with :)

I can empathize.

[laurie-robey.livejournal.com]

I was always baffled by that too. I liked cartoons, games, movies, reading, fantasy, science fiction as a kid too. I was always baffled by people that assumed it was a childish phase. I liked it then, I like it now. Why should aging change that? I may have phases in particular things that I like, but they don't change just because I've gotten older. It's always for some other reason.

Re: I can empathize.

[rowyn]

I guess for some people it *is* a childish phase. Phases are strange things -- I can remember being horse-crazy as a kid, and I remember looking at my mother's collection of horse statues and thinking: "she used to be horse-crazy, too, but she's not any more. I won't stop, though." And yet I did. I have no explanation for why I "outgrew" my fascination for horses, but not for fantasy or sf or RPGs.

Or cartoons, for that matter. :D

[octantis.livejournal.com]

On a somewhat related note, I got your mail the other night. Checking today, I'm pretty sure Sunday at the time you specified would be okay. :)

[rowyn]

Kewl! See you then. :)

[jordangreywolf.livejournal.com]

Hurrah for you! Your creativity is something amazing - but just as important, your ability to articulate your dreams into a form that others can appreciate as well. =) And it's that outward connection - the ability and desire to share dreams with others, in a language they can appreciate - that I think greatly differentiates the healthy fantasy life from the isolationist "shut out the world" dreamland that your school psychiatrist probably feared.

[rowyn]

You've got a point there. Interacting with real people has always been important to me. It's one of the major reasons I like to keep my hand in with RPGs, instead of retreating just to writing my own stories. I like the social aspect of RPGs. Rather more than I like most forms of partying and socializing, in fact. :)

[kelloggs2066.livejournal.com]

"Most people get involved in the field of psychiatry because they've had mental problems of their own. They're human, too."

I know you didn't intend this to be humorous, but I really laughed at that. It's so true. In college, I was the Physics Geek who hung out with the Psych Students. I acted nutty because it's fun. They acted nutty because they all were!

I've never so many crazy people insisting that I was the one who was nuts before!

It's called "Projection"

On the actual topic: Fantasies are fun. Why should we give them up if they do no harm?

[rowyn]

It IS true, though! I got my interest in English from reading on my own, and you probably got your interest in engineering from using computers. Psychiatrists have to get their interest in psychiatry from somewhere ... >:)

[queenofstripes.livejournal.com]

I've always thought it was very silly, that idea that fantasy and reality have to supplant instead of supplement each other. I'm not sure I can exactly hold myself up as a paragon of mental health or contentment, but I can say for sure that I'd be a lot worse if I didn't have an active fantasy life -- and get a lot worse when I lose access to it.

And "escapism" is such a poor, incomplete model for the role that fantasy plays in my life and those of most of my friends. Fantasy is more like a laboratory, a safe place where I can try on other selves and indulge longings that, you know, don't really need to be met in the material world in order to be powerful and fulfilling.

But I do think I agree with Jordan here -- I have to admit, I have known people with unhealthy fantasy lives, and for parts of my life I've been one of them. The most important criterion seems to be the ability to carry your fantasy life over into reality and share it with others. Having just a healthy fantasy life, and not using it to understand your waking world, is like trying to cook with a drawing of a stove. :)

[rowyn]

Having just a healthy fantasy life, and not using it to understand your waking world, is like trying to cook with a drawing of a stove.

I like that simile. :)

It's hard for me to quantify just what it is that I see as valuable or useful about fantasizing. On the other hand, it's hard for me to quantify what's valuable or useful about being a sports fan, or going out drinking, or tending flower gardens, or doing any of dozens of other hobbies. They're fun and the people who participate in those activities enjoy them -- that's good enough for me. :)

Though I do agree with you and Greywolf that the social aspect is important (and is important in the other hobbies I mention above, for that matter.) I don't think it's necessarily unhealthy to have a self-contained fantasy life, but I think the people who share their fantasies and/or use them to connect with their everyday lives are more likely to be happy and fulfilled.

Double edged sword...

[kirzen.livejournal.com]

It really depends on the person dear.

Though I suppose that in itself is the ultimate measure of how good a psychiatrist is for you or how experienced they are, though really it doesn't measure their ability to do their job, more how wise they are about how age will affect ones desires, some people mellow and enjoy, some people pine for things that cannot be...

Me, I do a good deal of both. I enjoy the little fantasies that I do have, and have a healthy delight in fantasy stories, science fiction, and many other things, but they don't control me... Though, sometimes they tear at me more than a little... sometimes when I'm feeling poorly its the 'I wish I could be's that really bring tears to the forefront, the impossible little things.

I call it the Princess Syndrome, there are some things in your life that will never be the exact way you desire them to be, not everyone can be swept off their feet by prince charming, will have a wonderful home in the country, and be surrounded by loved ones for ever and ever... But, we're told when we're young that these things are commonplace, its fed to us in the stories we read, the shows that we watch.

Its all a part of growing up, the most painful part really, realizing that you may not even have the space, time and resources for a puppy, let alone that pony you've wanted since you were little...

I'm, perhaps a bit overly jaded, as childhoods go, mine was... lacklustre, Kendra's still concerned my family (or someone) abused the hell out of me, if not physically, then emotionally in some manner... parts of me want to agree but there's an equally large part that doesn't want an excuse...

But, I also digress...

Sometimes growing up and leaving behind 'childish' things is proper, some times it poisons the soul, it depends so much on the person though, that I don't think I could ever, as a physician, tell a child to stop being just that... a child...

Re: Double edged sword...

[rowyn]

I'm sure there are people who use fantasy and sf as an excuse to withdraw from reality, or be disappointed with their own lives. But I don't think that's the majority.

And the "Princess Syndrome" (good phrase for it!) can happen just as easily with real-world elements as with fairy-tale castles. I can dream about winning the lottery, or becoming a rock-star, or being elected President -- and use those dreams as an excuse to think my real life stinks. The basic problem isn't whether I'm fantasizing about the real world or a fairyland, but whether I'm realistic in what I actually expect of my own life.

So I don't think it's fair to label fantasy or sf as a genre and say it's particularly harmful to the people who follow it.

[sandramort.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's so much a matter of leaving it behind but of prioritizing. A mature adult knows that they can't stay up until 5AM playing games if they have to go to work the next morning. There are responsibilities to being an adult, to being an employee, to being a parent... things that ARE incompatible with the lifestyles we had as kids and youth. I don't think that she was so much wrong as did a crappy job of explaining it.

[rowyn]

The only people I know who play games until 5AM are adults. :) I sure didn't stay up until 5AM doing anything until after I'd gone away to college. (And I was certainly arguably not a mature adult at that point, but I definitely wasn't a child).

I really don't think that "you have to be responsible" was her point.

I'm also not convinced that children have more free time and fewer responsibilities than adults. Children have very different obligations, yes, and they get a lot less choice in how they fulfill those obligations. And people don't have the same expectations of a child's capabilities as they do for an adult. That's all true.

But being a child is hard. My childhood years were far, far, far worse than anything I've had to endure as an adult. And I was one of the fortunate ones, with a set of good, loving parents.

I just can't see adulthood as this big traumatic break where I gave up the "fun" of being a kid for the "responsibilities" of being an adult. For me, it was this tremendous relief of shedding the dependencies of a child for the freedom of a grown-up. The exact opposite of traumatic. I feel very fortunate in that.

Slight tangent, but not really. Okay, maybe it is.

[krud42.livejournal.com]

Part of me wishes more adults had pointed out the line between fantasy and reality when I was younger. Not in the imaginary/fantastical sense, but in the "this is the real world, best get used to it" sense.

For years I was convinced that I didn't have to focus on anything like, oh... Geography, Physics, Economics, etc., because I was going to either be a cartoonist, a computer game designer, a musician, or an author.

Now that I'm an adult, I find myself wishing I'd kept my feet on the ground a bit more. Though I'd still love to go into one of those aforementioned fields. I just wish I could undo the education-frittering I did.

But yeah, the problem with psychiatrists/psychologists/counselors/etc. is that they bring their own baggage with them, whether they intend to or not.

Actually, that's the issue I take with most advice-givers, is that they generally are only looking at it from their own perspective.

I hate to drag Myers-Briggs into the picture, but I think that's a major point. Different personality types see the world differently; some personality types feel that at some point you have to give up whimsy and buckle down completely and do "adult things", whereas others (such as myself) hope they never fully let go of the imaginations they started cultivating in childhood.

I think Dave Barry said it best: "You're only a child once. But you can be immature your entire life."

Well-said

[rowyn]

I especially agree with you about advice.

Though I'd still love to go into one of those aforementioned fields. I just wish I could undo the education-frittering I did.

The really annoying thing is that you find out that knowing something about economics, physics, and geography is useful in at least two of those professions. :/

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

Well, that's a good side of you actually - that you aren't creating utopian fantasies, and then being disappointed when people don't live up to your notions! And I agree regards the 'Chosen One' story bits. I'd rather imagine that most people are reasonably competent, but that the heroes go above and beyond the call of duty, using what tools they have, and that makes the difference.

I think your mom was right, your psychiatrist didn't get the notion of being able to balance between reality and imagination.

[rowyn]

that the heroes go above and beyond the call of duty, using what tools they have, and that makes the difference.

Yah -- there's something of a letdown to those anime endings, where the protagonist wins by virtue of incredible psychic power or whatever. I've got RPGer syndrome -- I want the protagonists to succeed on their wits and their decisions, not because of their special magical powers or swordfighting ability or whatever.