rowyn

Several days ago,

haikujaguar wrote an interesting essay about honor, and working a day job. That essay was well-crafted, and inspired by a section of previous post.

But it wasn't the post itself, which touches on themes similar to my own thoughts about responsibility and freedom, that made me stop and think. What did that was a comment she made in response to someone else on the first post:

"I'm still trying to figure out how we're supposed to find contentment when society seems desperate to teach us that we deserve happiness without effort and pleasure without consequence."

And I thought about that.

It's not quite right. But it's close.

It reminds me of all those times, as a child, that someone said, "What do you have to be unhappy about?"

You live in a first-world country, you've got a roof over your head and food in your pantry and parents who love you and friends and family and count-your-blessings you've got no problems why-aren't-you-happy?

Society doesn't just tell us we deserve to be happy. Society tells us we're ungrateful, selfish, inconsiderate bastards if we're not happy. With all that's been given to us, how could we be unhappy?

all that's been given to us.

Is happiness a gift? Is it something I can stick in a box and wrap with a ribbon and give to you? "Here. Be happy."

all that's been given to us.

Getting gifts makes me happy. Giving gifts makes me, happy, too. But the gift itself doesn't give me lasting contentment. Sometimes the sentiment behind builds a foundation, a reason for enduring joy. (do you know I still smile when I think of the fourteen cows given to America by that Masai village).

But I wonder ...

Is happiness something that must be pursued, must be earned and captured?

Can I only be happy with what I think I've earned? If you gave me this thing I've been chasing after, would I smile and say "Thank you," and enjoy it for a few days ... then have to go find something else to pursue?

If I get it on my own, will it last?

I think that's right.

It doesn't matter if society thinks I deserve to be happy with effort, or to take pleasure without effort. I can't be happy unless I think I've earned it.

And that is the danger, when parents or the governemt or loved ones or say, "But I've given you so much. Why do you still want more?" Why should I be content with what came at no price? Why wouldn't I want more?

Why should I give up the pursuit?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

prester-scott.livejournal.com

Interesting thought, and I think, a true one.

And it stands to reason that if you are right, then you can't be happy unless you are free to pursue happiness on your own terms. A golden cage is still a cage.

From:

rowyn

Yes, exactly. A golden cage is, in some ways, worse than one of spikes and iron. Because you're supposed to be happy in the golden cage. You've got so much. Why aren't you happy?

In an iron cage, you know that you want to escape and be free. In a golden cage, you will second-guess yourself: "Should I stay? It's comfortable here and the world is a big scary place. How will I feed myself out there? How will I protect myself? Maybe I'd better stay. Maybe it's okay to be locked up.

"Maybe I'm supposed to be happy.

"Why aren't I happy?"

From:

mister-wolf.livejournal.com

There are two things that make me happy: satisfying realtionships and doing good work.

Or, that's not exactly true. Lots of things make me happy - games, movies, food, books. But those things make me content, which I'm possibly unique in veiwing as better than happiness. The reason being that I veiw content as being at peace with myself and the world. Happiness is like a sugar rush, being content is like a nice, big, ballanced meal.

From:

rowyn

Contentment is a nice sustainable state, whereas happiness -- at least, the really intense forms of it -- tends to be transitory. The things the bring me lasting satisfaction are doing good work, fulfilling my responsibilities, and contact with supportive friends and family.

From:

jordangreywolf.livejournal.com

I wish I'd heard about that Masai village sooner. Of all the obligatory "outpourings of support" that I heard reported in the press ... none of it really felt for certain like it meant anything to anyone. I mean, we hear about bad things happening. We say we're sorry. We're expected to. But so often ... it's yet another bad thing that happened to a friend of a friend, or an acquaintance, or a death in someone else's family - someone I don't know, never knew, but someone I know knew. I express sympathy, but does it really mean anything?

But these people, half a world away, contributed a bunch of cows. That sounds silly. I'm sure it's provoked a few snickers. But that's not pocket change. What made them do that? I seems like they really cared, and somehow it means something more than even the amounts of money given to this fund or that fund, on a spiritual level ... even if its "practical" value might be in question.

And I didn't hear a peep about it in the news. What gives? =P

From:

jordangreywolf.livejournal.com

I think it's the very nature of life, of being alive, to never be satisfied.

On a matter of, say, personal improvement, I never want to be satisfied - at least, not for very long - with my own level of accomplishment. I mean, sure, it's a bad thing if I angst over how I'm "never good enough". But I don't seriously want to just decide, "Okay, that's good enough" and set the plateau right there. After all, if I've made it ... it's only downhill from there.

I achieve things, and I want to move on to achieve new things. It's just a matter of trying to keep it all in perspective. I like getting new things ... but if I'm a perpetual packrat, forever accumulating, and making myself miserable in the process, then I've got something wrong with me.

If, however, I'm setting new goals (some serious, some frivolous), and moving on, then that's - in abstract - how things ought to be.

Happiness, I think, isn't tied to how "successful" I am. I'll never be successful enough to stay happy, if success, in and of itself, is the sole means of ... being happy. I don't want to be miserable, but "overjoyed" loses its luster if it's commonplace.

That would be like declaring that "everybody is special". Sure, everybody is different, everybody has their own unique qualities, but don't tell me that I'm special ... "just like everybody else". ;)

A little discontent is a good thing. But all things in moderation. Where is the moderation? Well, if you're ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE, chances are you need to change something.

Not very deep of me, I know, but that's about the best I can do. ;)

From:

telnar.livejournal.com

I thought a little about the question "what do you have to be unhappy about?" and realized that the fallacy is in treating happiness as something that is directly related to events in the external world. That we are wealthier, have access to better technology and more physical security against arbitrary attack than the average 12th century French peasant is a question of fact. Whether those differences make us feel happier or safer, on the other hand, will vary from person to person.

Some have a baseline level of wealth and leisure that they want to be happy which doesn't change much as those around them become better or worse off. To others, where they stand compared to the Johneses matters more than their absolute welfare. For still others, these things are almost irrelevant and personal relationships are the key factor. Of course, most people aren't simple enough that the causes of their happiness can be described in one sentence.

I read an interesting study in behavioral economics which found almost no correlation between subjective happiness and objective wealth or income. Factors like this vary from culture to culture, though. For example, Europeans, when surveyed, consistently seem more inclined to redistribute wealth than Americans in part because of a greater objection to perceived inequality.

In spite of this statistical result, my experience has been that money does make me happier. It's not that I particularly want the additional things that I can buy with it -- in fact, I suspect that if my income were to double, my spending would probably only rise by 10% or so at first. I just like the knowledge that if I become unemployed tomorrow, that nothing bad will happen (and therefore that the limit to what I have to put up with at work is very different), and that in the long run if I want to spend more time doing things which pay less well or even not at all, that I will eventually have that option. That preference is a side effect of my desire for freedom for its own sake, though. To a person with different preferences, many of the decisions I make in order to have more freedom in the future would make no sense.

How we form our preferences is a complicated question with far too many causes to say anything general about. We each have an important advantage from the first person vantage point to be able to know was has and hasn’t made us happy, though. From there, it’s a question of figuring out the best plan to make it happen in the future consistent with our other values. Whether anyone else things that you should or shouldn't be happy based on his preferences and assessment of your situation couldn't matter less.

From:

oceansedge.livejournal.com

I'm inclined to agree with

telnar here, and reflect that happiness is an internal function, a function my related to our relationships with ourselves.

However a certain amount of cash is involved here. There is no nobility in being a starving artist. (no matter what anyone tells you), It's much easier to concentrate on creating when you're not worried where your next meal is coming from.

And you're right about the cage too. In all the years of my marriage, and all the times I tried to leave, every time I agreed to stay and keep trying ... I could hear/sense/feel/see the big iron bars of that cage slam shut with a clang. But was it the marriage that made me unhappy? Not entirely, it was what the marriage said about my relationship with myself. That I was willing to accept being less than everything I could be, and less than everything I deserved. But cages can be tough places to leave, you're very right, they ARE safe, and sometimes they become familliar.

I think in the end, real happiness is a product of loving ourselves, and how we serve that relationship.

From:

garyamort.livejournal.com

"You live in a first-world country, you've got a roof over your head and food in your pantry and parents who love you and friends and family and count-your-blessings you've got no problems why-aren't-you-happy?"

I am reminded of an arguement put forth in a cyberpunkish book I once read.

The protaganist is being shown around the slums of a third world nation at how poor their lives are.

He comments along the lines of "But their life is so much better. We have eliminated poverty, disease, starvation. While they can't have everything they want, if you compared their lives to the lives of people a century ago"

She replies that same statement would be true at virtually any point in history. That the life of someone in 1500 was substantially better than those in 500. Etc, etc etc.

That having more, living longer, living better isn't enough for happiness. That human beings are dependent on societal status. That being able to make your life or your childrens better than your fellow mans, to strive to be better than others, is important to the human psyche.

And their society had become rigid. Because genetic engineering was available to the rich, because nano-technology and such gave them such a boost, it was virtually impossible for anyone not born into that class to reach that class. And this leads to apathy(why try when it is impossible to succeed?) and anger(why are they keeping us out?).

It seems to me that contains many elements of truth in it. It isn't success that is important, but the opportunity for success. It isn't relevant to be better off than someone a century ago, than the chance to be better off than the majority of people today. People don't need a guarantee that hard work will lead to success, they just need to know that there is a small chance of such success IF they put in the work. Than they can decide for themselves if it is worth the effort. But if they feel they have no chance, than they will reject the situation.

My feeling is, people need to feel the chance of success is about equal to the chance of winning the lottery. Yeah, the odds are low, but nevertheless people do win every week.

To relate it to recent movies, it's like the part in the second Matrix movie when they explained the purpose of Zion. Zion's existence gave all of humanity the subconcious knowledge that they had a choice. And having that choice was important to the well being of the Matrix.

I don't think people conciously decide that there is or is not a chance that hard work will succeed. They simply beleive it on a subconcious level. And if they don't beleive it, they can't be happy.

Dang, I wish I remembered the name of that book, packed somewhere away in my boxes.

From:

rowyn

Yes, that's it exactly. I don't think that living in better conditions now than people did a hundred years ago is meaningless. Having access to better stuff is helpful and useful.

But just giving it to other people isn't nearly as good for their psyche as allowing them to get it for themselves. The things I've worked to produce myself give me a lot more satisfaction and pleasure than something that was handed to me: "Here, take this".

And you do need to feel that the struggle is worthwhile. That if you work hard or smart or efficiently enough, you can make your life better. That's it. It's at least as much "how you get the things you want" as it is "getting the things."

From:

kelloggs2066.livejournal.com

Okay, are you set for the cliche'?

You sure?

Really sure?

Okay, here it is:
"Happiness isn't a destination. It's a journey."

Human beings managed to survive and evolve because of an inborn trait that keeps them striving and struggling to achieve something. Be it social status, economic achievement, or something to fatten you up for winter.

If sit-back-and-take-it-easy were dominant in our genes, we'd either all be hanging out in the cow pastures munching grass or mounted on stands by the dinosaurs in the natural history museum.

Now, if happiness *is* a journey, you're going to get lots of people reacting to that journey in different ways according to their situation and personality. Some will stretch up, look out the window and enjoy the scenery as it goes by, taking in each sight and finding the joy in it that they can. Each hill and mountain presenting new visions to enjoy. Others will sink into the back seat, play with their gameboys and whine "Are we happy yet?"

But, no matter which way you look at it, the person who usually gets the most enjoyment out of the journey is the driver. "Look where I've taken us!" is a real accomplishment.

Effort and Determination feel good when they're rewarded. Sometimes, they feel better than gifts.

Scott